It is Sunday and I just am not feeling well. Friday afternoon, I ate lunch and within an hour wished I could go barf the lunch up but couldn't. It was a very good sandwich too - from a reliable place. Not sure what that was about but maybe just timing as I still am not feeling well and it is two days later.
Can not tell if may be hormones - not enough or too much, something in the sandwich, but that seems it would be over by now if was food related. Waking with headaches again and today it has not gone away. Not real bad but just there, all the time. All I want to do is lie in bed and read or keep eyes closed. Have managed to do a load of laundry and clean the bathroom so am not devastated. Yet just have no enthusiasm for anything. Lovely day and one would think would want to go outside and take pictures or walk or go to Lilac Festival. No, not interested. Here wanted spring to come so badly and now I stay inside when it is here! Hey, at least I can open the windows.
Part of me worries it is not the hormones needing regulation but it is the cancer. Maybe it is all through my body now and that is what is making me feel bad so much of the time. I did think, after taking the thyroid out I would then feel better - well, not yet. Been four weeks, seems like should be getting better. However, Dr. finally just drew blood to check hormones and calcium so... go figure. Hope that is it and he tells me I just need to adjust something.
All this makes me not want to do next knee surgery. Did I already tell you that here? I am not sure. I am pretending that is not in my head! I have to do it. I need to do it as the one already done is so good and yet getting not as good because of the drag of the other one.
I suppose I should go and look in my Thyroid book and see if the headaches and this feeling might just be normal. That is what Dr. acted like. He did not want to address anything until he sees the blood labs. Hopefully early this week.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Cancer
Yes, the big C word. I think it just hit me. I knew the prognosis. I knew after the surgery the possibility. But, I think I just ignored it all. Was hoping I would not have to do the radiation treatment. That all was fine as surgeon said and just go on with life....
Not... Well, it is still not "bad" as could be, or as bad as some get or even as bad as I had hoped it would not be. Still, three more days or more out of work that I am ending in five weeks anyhow. Isolation in my own home (which with the moods I've been in does sound great actually!). I wonder what other kind of symptoms will happen they are not telling me about. Hmmmmm, do I loose my hair and stuff? I doubt it since that seems to come with the chemo type treatment.
It was my first visit to Endo Dr. and I wanted him to be as positive and happy as surgeon had been. He was not. He was NOT happy they had found cancer cells at all, especially in other areas they had not tested and not the one they were concerned with. He was more serious and cautious and just wanted me to agree to the radiation. He answered a couple questions on the calcium and the synthroid. Took more blood to now test it for all the levels I need to have. Will find out if everything is at least working. He wants me to go on the non-generic synthroid now only because of there being cancer. He says he feels better when he knows exactly how much the drug is putting into system and with generics, regardless of what others say, he feels he then knows the exact amount and quality. OK, sounds good. Yet, his seriousness rubbed off on me over night and I am finally freaked out about the idea there WERE CANCER cells inside me no one knew about - mostly me! AND, I gained back five pounds since March when I saw them last. Shit... that was probably worse news than the radiation treatment!
So, woke with a charlie horse in calf again. Did last week once also. Need to check into that. The Dr. was so brief and serious, he seemed he wanted to get away from me as fast as he could, so I forgot to ask him about these things. He mostly only wanted to tell me to go to radiation treatment, take my blood to test for hormone levels and all and get out of there... ok, I did. At least he agreed that five grams of calcium was way too much and I think he thinks I heard other Dr. wrong, but I know I didn't. So, anyhow, no more Tums! Just my normal vitamin and supplement routine.
God, and to think about what I eat again... and again... and need to get out and walk or swim again - just TOO TIRED after work. Work is draining me so much... maybe the hormones are not right afterall!
Not... Well, it is still not "bad" as could be, or as bad as some get or even as bad as I had hoped it would not be. Still, three more days or more out of work that I am ending in five weeks anyhow. Isolation in my own home (which with the moods I've been in does sound great actually!). I wonder what other kind of symptoms will happen they are not telling me about. Hmmmmm, do I loose my hair and stuff? I doubt it since that seems to come with the chemo type treatment.
It was my first visit to Endo Dr. and I wanted him to be as positive and happy as surgeon had been. He was not. He was NOT happy they had found cancer cells at all, especially in other areas they had not tested and not the one they were concerned with. He was more serious and cautious and just wanted me to agree to the radiation. He answered a couple questions on the calcium and the synthroid. Took more blood to now test it for all the levels I need to have. Will find out if everything is at least working. He wants me to go on the non-generic synthroid now only because of there being cancer. He says he feels better when he knows exactly how much the drug is putting into system and with generics, regardless of what others say, he feels he then knows the exact amount and quality. OK, sounds good. Yet, his seriousness rubbed off on me over night and I am finally freaked out about the idea there WERE CANCER cells inside me no one knew about - mostly me! AND, I gained back five pounds since March when I saw them last. Shit... that was probably worse news than the radiation treatment!
So, woke with a charlie horse in calf again. Did last week once also. Need to check into that. The Dr. was so brief and serious, he seemed he wanted to get away from me as fast as he could, so I forgot to ask him about these things. He mostly only wanted to tell me to go to radiation treatment, take my blood to test for hormone levels and all and get out of there... ok, I did. At least he agreed that five grams of calcium was way too much and I think he thinks I heard other Dr. wrong, but I know I didn't. So, anyhow, no more Tums! Just my normal vitamin and supplement routine.
God, and to think about what I eat again... and again... and need to get out and walk or swim again - just TOO TIRED after work. Work is draining me so much... maybe the hormones are not right afterall!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Bird Shit on the Windsheild
Wouldn't you know it. I get my car washed last night before going home. This morning all proud and happy I get in thinking how nice it is to get the bird droppings off and the latest surprise snow/ice. Driving along, not four minutes later, and SPLAT two new deposits of bird shit on the windshield - again! Wash job not even 12 hours old and while am moving down the street. No wonder people are hating the sea gulls these days...
Hopefully that won't forecast the rest of my day! But it is old Murphy, up to his latest tricks, so who knows. Maybe i need to stop thinking of him as Murphy. The Native American traditions I have studied call him Coyote and I do l ike that name better. I used to get upset because I like coyotes as a species and felt it unfair, but there ARE always the fate of tricksters, so might as well be someone other than some "guy" named "Murphy"...
Slept better last night until the 4 o'clock pee and meds. Then kind of drifted and rested. Had a large hot flash at 4 so it woke me up more than normal. At 6:30 upon rising for work was ready to go back to bed. Ah well, the life of the real retired! Seems that drastic intense no good day I had last Thursday over the meds was just a night. Since then the flashes have not been as dramatic or frequent. Still need to ask him if the dosage may be a little too high. Tonight have to figure out just how much calcium I am actually getting into my body this new way - multi vitamin, one 500mg supplement, two Tums sometime in afternoon or evening. I think I need to add the multi vitamin again at night and keep forgetting....
Hopefully that won't forecast the rest of my day! But it is old Murphy, up to his latest tricks, so who knows. Maybe i need to stop thinking of him as Murphy. The Native American traditions I have studied call him Coyote and I do l ike that name better. I used to get upset because I like coyotes as a species and felt it unfair, but there ARE always the fate of tricksters, so might as well be someone other than some "guy" named "Murphy"...
Slept better last night until the 4 o'clock pee and meds. Then kind of drifted and rested. Had a large hot flash at 4 so it woke me up more than normal. At 6:30 upon rising for work was ready to go back to bed. Ah well, the life of the real retired! Seems that drastic intense no good day I had last Thursday over the meds was just a night. Since then the flashes have not been as dramatic or frequent. Still need to ask him if the dosage may be a little too high. Tonight have to figure out just how much calcium I am actually getting into my body this new way - multi vitamin, one 500mg supplement, two Tums sometime in afternoon or evening. I think I need to add the multi vitamin again at night and keep forgetting....
Monday, May 10, 2010
Weekend Report
Nice weekend but not long enough, as usual.
Had a wedding 200 miles away to attend. At first had planned to do it all in one day. Luckily my kids convinced me I did not want to do that and had a motel room reserved I could use. In the end I needed it and was thankful for expensive small favors!
Just getting ready, packed, driving and attending the wedding was enough for my energy level. Plus, the weather was so cold, rainy, WINDY, and even some snowy, it was hard to deal with during an outdoors wedding!. Thank goodness for the family being farmers and knowing how to be prepared for upstate NY nutsy spring weather! The tent they had would make Ringling Brothers' tent look shabby and ill prepared. This tent with it's three large white peaks and billowing/flowing veils of fabric coming down all around from the peaks was beautiful. This tent had heat pouring into it, windows one could see the protective tractors and plows which they had had to park around the tent in order to tie it down with huge ropes. With the storm we had during the ceremony, the 300 people there were grateful for tractors and plows!
Friday night slept well for awhile but then woke at 5am and could not sleep. Had figured to go back to sleep for a nap before driving the 200 miles to wedding. Nope, could not. So, packed, loaded and ready to go at noon, I made it to the place with 30 minutes to spare. whew! Thank goodness for late checkins to motel, although having had time to go there during day and see how to get there would have proved a good idea after what happened later.
Was tired after dinner and all the excitement of the weather and watching them get married and watching my son, one of the groomsmen do his duties for his buddy. In between the pouring rain and wind, got new directions to motel, figured to get there just before dark so could see to drive. Ha, directions did not work and I got lost in Utica! Wandering around and being so tired, down from whole social thing (hey, don't knock it, you have no idea how hard it is for me to do these big social things!) just collapsed in car on side of road.
What to do now? Calling kids at wedding no good as they did not have their phones strapped on for a change and with all the noise would not hear me anyhow. Found a gas station to park at, called hotel almost crying and got some directions. Even without real faith, found the Lord had guided me in the right direction at least. I was only ten minutes away and not that bad to find. FINALLY got checked in and under covers and watched, of all movies, 27 Dresses, falling asleep near end with dreams of a wedding I never had.
Next morning got a good breakfast, ready to get on road by 8a.m. to find it windy and cold cold cold. Got packed, left to about 15 miles outside of town to find snow, sleet, rain, even some sun the whole trip home! Made for intense driving. Got home, came inside, sat on bed, read for awhile and was asleep! Spent rest of Sunday either reading, watching stuff or sleeping! Quiet nice recuperative Sunday.
I notice I am more tired than I think from these surgeries and recovery! Being nice and lazy to myself is actually a good thing at this time....
Had a wedding 200 miles away to attend. At first had planned to do it all in one day. Luckily my kids convinced me I did not want to do that and had a motel room reserved I could use. In the end I needed it and was thankful for expensive small favors!
Just getting ready, packed, driving and attending the wedding was enough for my energy level. Plus, the weather was so cold, rainy, WINDY, and even some snowy, it was hard to deal with during an outdoors wedding!. Thank goodness for the family being farmers and knowing how to be prepared for upstate NY nutsy spring weather! The tent they had would make Ringling Brothers' tent look shabby and ill prepared. This tent with it's three large white peaks and billowing/flowing veils of fabric coming down all around from the peaks was beautiful. This tent had heat pouring into it, windows one could see the protective tractors and plows which they had had to park around the tent in order to tie it down with huge ropes. With the storm we had during the ceremony, the 300 people there were grateful for tractors and plows!
Friday night slept well for awhile but then woke at 5am and could not sleep. Had figured to go back to sleep for a nap before driving the 200 miles to wedding. Nope, could not. So, packed, loaded and ready to go at noon, I made it to the place with 30 minutes to spare. whew! Thank goodness for late checkins to motel, although having had time to go there during day and see how to get there would have proved a good idea after what happened later.
Was tired after dinner and all the excitement of the weather and watching them get married and watching my son, one of the groomsmen do his duties for his buddy. In between the pouring rain and wind, got new directions to motel, figured to get there just before dark so could see to drive. Ha, directions did not work and I got lost in Utica! Wandering around and being so tired, down from whole social thing (hey, don't knock it, you have no idea how hard it is for me to do these big social things!) just collapsed in car on side of road.
What to do now? Calling kids at wedding no good as they did not have their phones strapped on for a change and with all the noise would not hear me anyhow. Found a gas station to park at, called hotel almost crying and got some directions. Even without real faith, found the Lord had guided me in the right direction at least. I was only ten minutes away and not that bad to find. FINALLY got checked in and under covers and watched, of all movies, 27 Dresses, falling asleep near end with dreams of a wedding I never had.
Next morning got a good breakfast, ready to get on road by 8a.m. to find it windy and cold cold cold. Got packed, left to about 15 miles outside of town to find snow, sleet, rain, even some sun the whole trip home! Made for intense driving. Got home, came inside, sat on bed, read for awhile and was asleep! Spent rest of Sunday either reading, watching stuff or sleeping! Quiet nice recuperative Sunday.
I notice I am more tired than I think from these surgeries and recovery! Being nice and lazy to myself is actually a good thing at this time....
Saturday, May 8, 2010
End of First Work Week
TGIF for real. This first week of work was more difficult than coming back after the first knee surgery. And, today, Friday, was the hardest of all. Woke at 4am feeling some nauseous and small headache. Had a couple flashes during night but in general had slept in between ok. Went to pass urine and took my synthroid, laid there another hour almost and felt worse.
Sick? Meds? Too much whiskey the previous night? No, to the alcohol and did not feel like a flu. Must be the meds? Ugh. Could not go back to sleep but rested as knew had to go to work. double ugh....
Got ready, ate something, deciding it was the meds with nothing in my stomach. Had not had a large dinner the night before so must be that. Arrived at work a half hour late but just glad I made it. Never vomiting, just this constant small upset stomach. Anxiety waves flowing over me at times all day. Remembered these were all the feelings I was getting before the thyroid removal when I "knew" something was wrong!
Then, got more worried, as declared, "Oh no! Went through all that surgery and now this dependence on drugs and all for nothing? It was not that after all??? Ok, girl, get ahold of your self. And it dawned on me, it is the meds themselves most likely! Three weeks, almost to the day, and probably just too much. Creating a hyerthyroid condition like was going on before surgery. Wow....
Was able to work with self to feel controlled at least. Did not lash out at anyone and ate small amounts so eventually stomach settled down mostly. Found a good excuse for not talking or hanging out with people so much which is always a good thing for a hermit! hahahaha...
And, now, here, today, I wake without those same symptoms! The hot flashes were minimal last night, hardly even woke me. Although I woke at 5am and could not sleep again, have taken the synthroid am now having coffee and cinnamon granola bar and stomach is minimal. Anxiety less, body temp ok for now. Man, talk about a bag of hormones! Today will drive a hundred miles to a special wedding. Decided to stay the night after at a motel even though want to come home to my own cave, but mostly due to these quick, drastic changes inside me, figure better not to drive on Thruway at 9 at night! Ha, if I get back to motel early enough, can watch some bad cable TV in bed! Have not done that in a long time....
Sick? Meds? Too much whiskey the previous night? No, to the alcohol and did not feel like a flu. Must be the meds? Ugh. Could not go back to sleep but rested as knew had to go to work. double ugh....
Got ready, ate something, deciding it was the meds with nothing in my stomach. Had not had a large dinner the night before so must be that. Arrived at work a half hour late but just glad I made it. Never vomiting, just this constant small upset stomach. Anxiety waves flowing over me at times all day. Remembered these were all the feelings I was getting before the thyroid removal when I "knew" something was wrong!
Then, got more worried, as declared, "Oh no! Went through all that surgery and now this dependence on drugs and all for nothing? It was not that after all??? Ok, girl, get ahold of your self. And it dawned on me, it is the meds themselves most likely! Three weeks, almost to the day, and probably just too much. Creating a hyerthyroid condition like was going on before surgery. Wow....
Was able to work with self to feel controlled at least. Did not lash out at anyone and ate small amounts so eventually stomach settled down mostly. Found a good excuse for not talking or hanging out with people so much which is always a good thing for a hermit! hahahaha...
And, now, here, today, I wake without those same symptoms! The hot flashes were minimal last night, hardly even woke me. Although I woke at 5am and could not sleep again, have taken the synthroid am now having coffee and cinnamon granola bar and stomach is minimal. Anxiety less, body temp ok for now. Man, talk about a bag of hormones! Today will drive a hundred miles to a special wedding. Decided to stay the night after at a motel even though want to come home to my own cave, but mostly due to these quick, drastic changes inside me, figure better not to drive on Thruway at 9 at night! Ha, if I get back to motel early enough, can watch some bad cable TV in bed! Have not done that in a long time....
Friday, May 7, 2010
Better Symptoms
Most of the days are the same. I get some small hot flashes, at times, here and there. Random, unless I have been walking or exerting myself some. Don't get the incredible anxiety I was. Feel more my positive self who can go out to dinner with friends and/or actually function a tad other than work, food and bed.
Speaking of bed it is interesting how different each night can be.Tuesday night slept like a log as they say. It was wonderful! Funny how when one gets older you measure days by how, or IF, you slept the night before. Well, if it has been a long time since ever sleeping a whole night, sometimes by my age you do not even notice one good night over another! You are functioning in such a fog all the time....
However, I have been working on "getting good sleep" for a long time. A few years, so it is noticeable to me. Guess that's mostly what got me to this surprise surgery and having no thyroid in the first place! If you remember, just previous to surgery, I was waking every two hours, exactly, with the most intense night sweats I have ever had. Most of the time I could go back to sleep when calmed down, but many times could not after about the third round. It seemed I was back, but worse, into the throws of menopausal hell.
Right after surgery, for a week, I had none of that. I think it may have been more the heavy drugs I was taking- hydrocodone. I was waking but not so intense or frequent. The last week I have noticed some waking and some flashes. Then Tuesday night I woke too regularly again and more sweats than "flashes." Now we are down to Friday and I am starting to wonder if maybe my dose of synthroid is too high. Glad I am going to see Dr. C next week. By then I should know. Yesterday I had a couple spells of big anxiety and in the mornings have been feeling some nauseous. Waking with sweats, yes, and some facial flushing. Not as bad as before surgery, but almost. Enough I need to mention it.
Speaking of bed it is interesting how different each night can be.Tuesday night slept like a log as they say. It was wonderful! Funny how when one gets older you measure days by how, or IF, you slept the night before. Well, if it has been a long time since ever sleeping a whole night, sometimes by my age you do not even notice one good night over another! You are functioning in such a fog all the time....
However, I have been working on "getting good sleep" for a long time. A few years, so it is noticeable to me. Guess that's mostly what got me to this surprise surgery and having no thyroid in the first place! If you remember, just previous to surgery, I was waking every two hours, exactly, with the most intense night sweats I have ever had. Most of the time I could go back to sleep when calmed down, but many times could not after about the third round. It seemed I was back, but worse, into the throws of menopausal hell.
Right after surgery, for a week, I had none of that. I think it may have been more the heavy drugs I was taking- hydrocodone. I was waking but not so intense or frequent. The last week I have noticed some waking and some flashes. Then Tuesday night I woke too regularly again and more sweats than "flashes." Now we are down to Friday and I am starting to wonder if maybe my dose of synthroid is too high. Glad I am going to see Dr. C next week. By then I should know. Yesterday I had a couple spells of big anxiety and in the mornings have been feeling some nauseous. Waking with sweats, yes, and some facial flushing. Not as bad as before surgery, but almost. Enough I need to mention it.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Monday and back to work
Monday morning, going back to work. Even though for only six weeks, it seems daunting. Have gotten so used to my schedule at home, like a true retired person, am now realizing my true life desire is to do just this. "Retire" from my normal life. Not get a part time job or anything like that. Truly be at home, retired, from work field and work on my own creative life totally.
I can see now where it could happen. I would do it. No more worry, "Oh would I just become a bum, sitting around doing nothing, watching Tyra all day?" Nope, maybe for a week but that is it. I find the life minus a job, after 40 years, quite refreshing. What I remember I envisioned when starting out this working part of life. And it all gives me a feeling of being entitled somewhat.
When my daughter complains about her job and or how she can't stand it and does not think she should have to work a job, nor her boyfriend. They "see" how messed up it is with everyone having to work a job "forever" and never getting to do their own thing whatever it may be. OK, I can relate and understand that I also thought it was messed up and artists should be paid a wage to create etc. etc. However, now I feel more like "Tough shit girl. I put in my dues. Did my part to raise you. Did my time at the drudge job - for the family - for life as we knew it... Now it is YOUR turn. Get out there and do it. Stop whining!" I seem to have less patience with her and her partner than I have had these years, perhaps because I have had a taste of the "real" life I craved all these years. Being normal, even with my own daughter, I feel I paid m dues, now she has too - or don't bother me with begging and whining.
I do want to mention, have taken the synthroid at about 4a.m. each night for four nights now. Since I wake up then anyhow, figure take it then and there goes the hour of waiting while I am sleeping! I figured that changing from about 6a.m. to this 4 a.m. would not matter so much and I appear to be correct. I notice no difference other than I do not have to wait that hour before tea or coffee! Just need to make sure I continue to do the ten minutes of chanting however. That is the most important new habit of life I have to continue. As I am getting older, it is time to re-address this in my life. My promise, my duty, to my Spiritual Master....
I can see now where it could happen. I would do it. No more worry, "Oh would I just become a bum, sitting around doing nothing, watching Tyra all day?" Nope, maybe for a week but that is it. I find the life minus a job, after 40 years, quite refreshing. What I remember I envisioned when starting out this working part of life. And it all gives me a feeling of being entitled somewhat.
When my daughter complains about her job and or how she can't stand it and does not think she should have to work a job, nor her boyfriend. They "see" how messed up it is with everyone having to work a job "forever" and never getting to do their own thing whatever it may be. OK, I can relate and understand that I also thought it was messed up and artists should be paid a wage to create etc. etc. However, now I feel more like "Tough shit girl. I put in my dues. Did my part to raise you. Did my time at the drudge job - for the family - for life as we knew it... Now it is YOUR turn. Get out there and do it. Stop whining!" I seem to have less patience with her and her partner than I have had these years, perhaps because I have had a taste of the "real" life I craved all these years. Being normal, even with my own daughter, I feel I paid m dues, now she has too - or don't bother me with begging and whining.
I do want to mention, have taken the synthroid at about 4a.m. each night for four nights now. Since I wake up then anyhow, figure take it then and there goes the hour of waiting while I am sleeping! I figured that changing from about 6a.m. to this 4 a.m. would not matter so much and I appear to be correct. I notice no difference other than I do not have to wait that hour before tea or coffee! Just need to make sure I continue to do the ten minutes of chanting however. That is the most important new habit of life I have to continue. As I am getting older, it is time to re-address this in my life. My promise, my duty, to my Spiritual Master....
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