Cancer

Yes, the big C word. I think it just hit me. I knew the prognosis. I knew after the surgery the possibility. But, I think I just ignored it all. Was hoping I would not have to do the radiation treatment. That all was fine as surgeon said and just go on with life....

Not... Well, it is still not "bad" as could be, or as bad as some get or even as bad as I had hoped it would not be. Still, three more days or more out of work that I am ending in five weeks anyhow. Isolation in my own home (which with the moods I've been in does sound great actually!). I wonder what other kind of symptoms will happen they are not telling me about. Hmmmmm, do I loose my hair and stuff? I doubt it since that seems to come with the chemo type treatment.

It was my first visit to Endo Dr. and I wanted him to be as positive and happy as surgeon had been. He was not. He was NOT happy they had found cancer cells at all, especially in other areas they had not tested and not the one they were concerned with. He was more serious and cautious and just wanted me to agree to the radiation. He answered a couple questions on the calcium and the synthroid. Took more blood to now test it for all the levels I need to have. Will find out if everything is at least working. He wants me to go on the non-generic synthroid now only because of there being cancer. He says he feels better when he knows exactly how much the drug is putting into system and with generics, regardless of what others say, he feels he then knows the exact amount and quality. OK, sounds good. Yet, his seriousness rubbed off on me over night and I am finally freaked out about the idea there WERE CANCER cells inside me no one knew about - mostly me! AND, I gained back five pounds since March when I saw them last. Shit... that was probably worse news than the radiation treatment!

So, woke with a charlie horse in calf again. Did last week once also. Need to check into that. The Dr. was so brief and serious, he seemed he wanted to get away from me as fast as he could, so I forgot to ask him about these things. He mostly only wanted to tell me to go to radiation treatment, take my blood to test for hormone levels and all and get out of there... ok, I did. At least he agreed that five grams of calcium was way too much and I think he thinks I heard other Dr. wrong, but I know I didn't. So, anyhow, no more Tums! Just my normal vitamin and supplement routine.

God, and to think about what I eat again... and again... and need to get out and walk or swim again - just TOO TIRED after work. Work is draining me so much... maybe the hormones are not right afterall!