Been thinking about this a lot this week. Watching the John Adams series from HBO. This was thought in regard to watching blowhard men debating how best to "serve" us the same in birth of America as now. Somewhat disheartening.
They should present American History in the way this series is done. Of course can not so lavishly for all events, but the stories of the men and women involved as people and their own wishes/dreams/picadillos illustrating how it set policies and started events. Like seeing them as people with faults and reasons why they acted like they did. Adams angry when the painter depicted the signing of the Declaration of Independence because it, as a painting, is a totally made up scene. And it did turn out to be the way we think of the occasion as happening! the truth is actually more exciting and inspiring.
The feeling of staying the same even as one changes is carrying over into aspects of the life I am in control of. Makes for a good title if nothing else. Last night I woke three times with the hot flashes again. Have had a few here and there already but not so timed perfect as these. Not as severe and could go back to sleep, hooray hooray, but there they were. Removing the gland did not make the menopausal effects go away totally. Or the meds have not quite kicked in all the way either. Still much better overall and the full moon is here, so, go figure.
oops - forgot to chant my one round first this morning. oops got to go do that.... that has been one of the nicest practices I picked up again while home on this disability. Spend 15 minutes doing my meditation chanting each morning. Want to do for 30 days and see if it becomes a real habit/practice again.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Making Yogurt Again
Today I made yogurt again and may never do it again. I remember it being so easy and natural as I have spoken of previously here. No more!
This time it took more than an hour to prepare the milk and culture - heating it up and then cooling to very specific temperatures. Then, waiting while it was 10 hours in the cooker -
only to open and find liquid milk with no coagulation. The leftover milk mix I had put in an old peanut butter jar and wrapped in towels and sit on top of machine had more culture then the one I used up 10 hrs of electricity over! hahahaha... think it is not worth it to make at home. I was pissed and threw all milk away knowing there was probably "something" I could do to still use it but just wanted it gone.
Perhaps I will try one more time this summer using good commercial yogurt like I used to. It may be the dried starter I bought.Or the machine temperature regulator is broken. Going off to the store to buy some good organic yogurt...
This time it took more than an hour to prepare the milk and culture - heating it up and then cooling to very specific temperatures. Then, waiting while it was 10 hours in the cooker -
only to open and find liquid milk with no coagulation. The leftover milk mix I had put in an old peanut butter jar and wrapped in towels and sit on top of machine had more culture then the one I used up 10 hrs of electricity over! hahahaha... think it is not worth it to make at home. I was pissed and threw all milk away knowing there was probably "something" I could do to still use it but just wanted it gone.
Perhaps I will try one more time this summer using good commercial yogurt like I used to. It may be the dried starter I bought.Or the machine temperature regulator is broken. Going off to the store to buy some good organic yogurt...
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Adjusting to Permanent Meds
I thought by now I would be adjusting better to taking the daily medications better than I am. Not the side effects or actual medicines themselves, but the routine - seem to be actually getting worse!
The Levothyroxine is ok. Having to take it upon waking, then wait an hour before my coffee, and two hours before taking any dairy is ok. Just ok... don't like it, but am able to go along with it. The most difficult one is taking the darn Tums FOUR times a day! I think, the last three days, I have only taken it three times a day. Well one, when I was up in middle of night I took a dose, so that would be four in twenty four hours.
Normally, by later afternoon I am just forgetting "medicine" in general. Am hoping within a few days, the Drs. will see my calcium is ok and I can just take a regular amount two or three times a day, like with each meal. And, I hate chewing the Tums. Just give me a pill and let me take it! So, will check with that as an alternative. I know, I know... most people chew Tums or other anti-acid pills all the time, so "no biggie", but it is against my normal routine and practice. I do not need them for stomach. Nor, do I feel I want the other crap in them going four times a day into my body! Luckily, so far, I have not had any of those tingling ears, toes, fingers or lips side effects of lack of calcium.
Last night, upon waking for my normal "have no idea why I am waking" break at 4a.m., thought to take the Levothyroxine then and not have to wait for taking my coffee/breakfast when actually getting up. I did not do that last night, but thinking more on it, why not? They say you need to have a regular time, every 24 hours, and taken in morning so absorbing into system during day. Therefore, most take it when getting up. However, I wake every night two or three times and if pill was there, could do it at the last waking. Will only be changing my routine by a couple hours and if, for some wonderful reason, I do sleep through that last normal waking period, still can take at 6am.... yes, that would make one part of this eternal med dependence nicer!
I just can not imagine what the "getting ready for work in the morning routine" will be with this two hour waiting period to manage next week. And, not having cereal in morning is going to be hateful. Guess it is a cereal for dinner life now ;-)
The Levothyroxine is ok. Having to take it upon waking, then wait an hour before my coffee, and two hours before taking any dairy is ok. Just ok... don't like it, but am able to go along with it. The most difficult one is taking the darn Tums FOUR times a day! I think, the last three days, I have only taken it three times a day. Well one, when I was up in middle of night I took a dose, so that would be four in twenty four hours.
Normally, by later afternoon I am just forgetting "medicine" in general. Am hoping within a few days, the Drs. will see my calcium is ok and I can just take a regular amount two or three times a day, like with each meal. And, I hate chewing the Tums. Just give me a pill and let me take it! So, will check with that as an alternative. I know, I know... most people chew Tums or other anti-acid pills all the time, so "no biggie", but it is against my normal routine and practice. I do not need them for stomach. Nor, do I feel I want the other crap in them going four times a day into my body! Luckily, so far, I have not had any of those tingling ears, toes, fingers or lips side effects of lack of calcium.
Last night, upon waking for my normal "have no idea why I am waking" break at 4a.m., thought to take the Levothyroxine then and not have to wait for taking my coffee/breakfast when actually getting up. I did not do that last night, but thinking more on it, why not? They say you need to have a regular time, every 24 hours, and taken in morning so absorbing into system during day. Therefore, most take it when getting up. However, I wake every night two or three times and if pill was there, could do it at the last waking. Will only be changing my routine by a couple hours and if, for some wonderful reason, I do sleep through that last normal waking period, still can take at 6am.... yes, that would make one part of this eternal med dependence nicer!
I just can not imagine what the "getting ready for work in the morning routine" will be with this two hour waiting period to manage next week. And, not having cereal in morning is going to be hateful. Guess it is a cereal for dinner life now ;-)
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Pathology Heaven
In general it was a more energetic day than the last one. I even got that paper work done I had been complaining and avoiding all week, setup a second short term disability for the next week and proved insurance does owe me $15. I decided to take another week off for healing and getting used to my new life. The pathology report came from my surgeon. A good one!
He removed the whole thyroid and one parathyroid nodule (by mistake!). There are four nodes which sit right on the back of the thyroid itself called the parathyroid. Surgeons try to leave them when removing the thyroid itself as they enable calcium absorption into body. However, in looking at the diagrams I wonder how a surgeon could actually separate the two. They are sitting right on the main thyroid gland. He said he tries but sometimes he just can not get all of the large gland and leave the other in.
In my case, he said he removed one as it was swollen/infected and he thought it was another lesion on the thyroid itself. It was gone before he realized what it was. Anyhow, I am fine with three only. That is partly why am taking the large amount of calcium as a supplement right now. He was glad he took it out as there were a couple cells in there with the Papillary cancer and now we've learned more, it may be what was setting up the symptoms rather than the node we thought was.
Did you know that you can live a whole full life with certain kinds of cancer cells in places and they never give any problem? I never did.... They say they have found mummies with cancer cells in them of people who lived a long time and before we had all these various treatments or ways to see inside our bodies.
He was also glad he decided to remove the lymph nodes located near thyroid at same time because when dissected, they also had a some tiny papillary cells in them. So now, all is gone...gone...gone! According to my study this is generally the end of thyroid cancer. As long as not moved to lungs or heart already - mine has not.
He and the endocrinologist are now my "best friends for life" - them and my bottle of Levothyroxine. The jury is out as to whether I will get the full body scan to see what other cells may be doing, but all in all, things turned out the way I wanted - no radiation treatment as yet.
He told me to go out, live a full long life... yes, sir! However, I would add the word "creative" also. So, the next week will be restarting that!
He removed the whole thyroid and one parathyroid nodule (by mistake!). There are four nodes which sit right on the back of the thyroid itself called the parathyroid. Surgeons try to leave them when removing the thyroid itself as they enable calcium absorption into body. However, in looking at the diagrams I wonder how a surgeon could actually separate the two. They are sitting right on the main thyroid gland. He said he tries but sometimes he just can not get all of the large gland and leave the other in.
In my case, he said he removed one as it was swollen/infected and he thought it was another lesion on the thyroid itself. It was gone before he realized what it was. Anyhow, I am fine with three only. That is partly why am taking the large amount of calcium as a supplement right now. He was glad he took it out as there were a couple cells in there with the Papillary cancer and now we've learned more, it may be what was setting up the symptoms rather than the node we thought was.
Did you know that you can live a whole full life with certain kinds of cancer cells in places and they never give any problem? I never did.... They say they have found mummies with cancer cells in them of people who lived a long time and before we had all these various treatments or ways to see inside our bodies.
He was also glad he decided to remove the lymph nodes located near thyroid at same time because when dissected, they also had a some tiny papillary cells in them. So now, all is gone...gone...gone! According to my study this is generally the end of thyroid cancer. As long as not moved to lungs or heart already - mine has not.
He and the endocrinologist are now my "best friends for life" - them and my bottle of Levothyroxine. The jury is out as to whether I will get the full body scan to see what other cells may be doing, but all in all, things turned out the way I wanted - no radiation treatment as yet.
He told me to go out, live a full long life... yes, sir! However, I would add the word "creative" also. So, the next week will be restarting that!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Success Realized
Was watching TV last night when I happened to put my hand/fingers up to my throat right under the chin. Lymph nodes are there and gently stroked/felt them out of distraction. Suddenly realized they were hardly noticeable! They have been largely swollen for ages and they were not. Just little peas sitting where they do.
Wow, I thought, they have not been this small in ages. OH! It must mean they are healing after taking the thyroid out! OMG! It WORKED! Taking the thyroid out worked. And then went on to realize, yes, and now that the surgery area is healing and not sore as much, I see the throat symptoms had before are also gone! My voice is not scratchy inside, throat does not feel like it is closing and swallowing is smooth! Had not really realized it until five days after surgery.
So, shall I write my GP Dr. a note to tell her how there WAS something there and see? I am already this much better since pushing this body investigation with her? Success already and not even far into recovery....
Wow, I thought, they have not been this small in ages. OH! It must mean they are healing after taking the thyroid out! OMG! It WORKED! Taking the thyroid out worked. And then went on to realize, yes, and now that the surgery area is healing and not sore as much, I see the throat symptoms had before are also gone! My voice is not scratchy inside, throat does not feel like it is closing and swallowing is smooth! Had not really realized it until five days after surgery.
So, shall I write my GP Dr. a note to tell her how there WAS something there and see? I am already this much better since pushing this body investigation with her? Success already and not even far into recovery....
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Day Two
What to call a blog is one of my difficult decisions. So many I have just made one quickly with thought of making up a better one later. Then never do... have goal this week of going back into this account, add writings not posted, correcting, and editing, maybe finding a picture or two - not happening yet.
Taking the synthroid yesterday was ok. I actually think I felt better in just one day. Could be just getting over the anestetic from surgery or just another day of healing, but I do like thinking it is the hormones going into body again. AFter talking to several people taking this med, they tell me they have no rules and regulations for taking it. Therefore am hoping this is, perhaps, just a temporary thing although Mom has had to follow the 1 hour rule before breakfast for 20 years. Go figure. Sometimes the worse thing about being sick or having health problems is that different doctors do different things.
I noted that the muscle aches, a lot of the anxiety and depression mellowed out. Have managed to fit in the calcium via the 8 Tums a day I have to take well, although the day got away from me and I ended up taking the last dose of Tums at 1 in the morning when awoken from sleep and remembering. whew...
Problem today, well since surgery, to be honest is constipation. ARGH! one can not talk about that here!!! hahaha, I can and am, some. Trying to be sensitive but if you do not like such talk, bye for now... Seems if I take much more laxative products I should end up with diarreaha. Not yet. Actually, four days later have only passed stool a little bit and am rather worried. The Senna worked so well last surgery, I figured this would be good for this one. Perhaps taking Hydrocondone rather than Vicodan makes one dryer, or just taking out thyroid does this more, but at this point, the worse thing in this healing is not going to bathroom consistently. Added Miralax the last two nights also and can feel "things" moving around inside but still need that full emptying.
Went shopping with P for only an hour yesterday so got some good food here. That was nice but surprising how tired I did get out and about. No one looked at me like I was Frankenstein thank goodness, but like P said, "If they look at you and get freaked out, they need to just look away." Yep. Then my other P friend came over in afternoon to visit. Wonderful! Love creative friends coming around and showing me what they have been doing. Nice Photoshop collages she does with old copyright free images and her own. She also brought carrot soup she made! That was the best and I have more with brown rice for this afternoon's lunch.
OK, need to do some other things for now...
Taking the synthroid yesterday was ok. I actually think I felt better in just one day. Could be just getting over the anestetic from surgery or just another day of healing, but I do like thinking it is the hormones going into body again. AFter talking to several people taking this med, they tell me they have no rules and regulations for taking it. Therefore am hoping this is, perhaps, just a temporary thing although Mom has had to follow the 1 hour rule before breakfast for 20 years. Go figure. Sometimes the worse thing about being sick or having health problems is that different doctors do different things.
I noted that the muscle aches, a lot of the anxiety and depression mellowed out. Have managed to fit in the calcium via the 8 Tums a day I have to take well, although the day got away from me and I ended up taking the last dose of Tums at 1 in the morning when awoken from sleep and remembering. whew...
Problem today, well since surgery, to be honest is constipation. ARGH! one can not talk about that here!!! hahaha, I can and am, some. Trying to be sensitive but if you do not like such talk, bye for now... Seems if I take much more laxative products I should end up with diarreaha. Not yet. Actually, four days later have only passed stool a little bit and am rather worried. The Senna worked so well last surgery, I figured this would be good for this one. Perhaps taking Hydrocondone rather than Vicodan makes one dryer, or just taking out thyroid does this more, but at this point, the worse thing in this healing is not going to bathroom consistently. Added Miralax the last two nights also and can feel "things" moving around inside but still need that full emptying.
Went shopping with P for only an hour yesterday so got some good food here. That was nice but surprising how tired I did get out and about. No one looked at me like I was Frankenstein thank goodness, but like P said, "If they look at you and get freaked out, they need to just look away." Yep. Then my other P friend came over in afternoon to visit. Wonderful! Love creative friends coming around and showing me what they have been doing. Nice Photoshop collages she does with old copyright free images and her own. She also brought carrot soup she made! That was the best and I have more with brown rice for this afternoon's lunch.
OK, need to do some other things for now...
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
First Day of the Rest of my Life
Took first synthroid pill this morning. Just now. Wait an hour before can eat anything - two hours before can take any dairy or calcium. For heaven's sake! How do I drink my coffee then? When I go to work again, I have to set aside TWO hours in the morning before I can eat or drink breakfast or anything? Whaaaaa????
This will take some arrangement.
Had enough with the fact the hospital or Drs. forgot to give me the script for the synthroid Saturday when I was discharged. So, had three days before even started the script. Wondered why was more down and dizzy and generally out of it yesterday. Surgical knee was even bothering me. Seems like it has gone backwards already from not using so much. Was tingling and then numb some around knee itself. Felt weak. Need to get back on bike even if just for a little. Keep the knee working. Do NOT want to loose what I gained so far! Then, to find that I WAS to take the meds all along. Well, they say it is ok. My jaw has been clenched too much lately - just waiting to see what body will do next.
Read in my book about this medication will take every day the rest of my life. Man, reading it, this time, made me more paranoid and worried than the whole last month that started this! The whole journey, mostly women, have made in getting their hormone levels adjusted sounded terrible. And the idea of jumpstarting my hormones immediately to the max amount sounds, scary at best.
But then talked to a friend who has been on this stuff for years and it does not seem so bad. I hope and intend it to work fine. Figure with NO thyroid pushing any hormone into system at all, then taking the max is the normal, basically. As long as my system can take the sudden change.
Today will go to grocery store with P and then the other P will come over at dinner to give me carrot soup! Yum. The thought of two social interactions in one day is rather daunting right now, but I can handle it! It was difficult to call H to get a ride to drugstore to get the meds today. Do not even want to go out of door or talk on phone let alone go out into that world of buying and selling out there!
This will take some arrangement.
Had enough with the fact the hospital or Drs. forgot to give me the script for the synthroid Saturday when I was discharged. So, had three days before even started the script. Wondered why was more down and dizzy and generally out of it yesterday. Surgical knee was even bothering me. Seems like it has gone backwards already from not using so much. Was tingling and then numb some around knee itself. Felt weak. Need to get back on bike even if just for a little. Keep the knee working. Do NOT want to loose what I gained so far! Then, to find that I WAS to take the meds all along. Well, they say it is ok. My jaw has been clenched too much lately - just waiting to see what body will do next.
Read in my book about this medication will take every day the rest of my life. Man, reading it, this time, made me more paranoid and worried than the whole last month that started this! The whole journey, mostly women, have made in getting their hormone levels adjusted sounded terrible. And the idea of jumpstarting my hormones immediately to the max amount sounds, scary at best.
But then talked to a friend who has been on this stuff for years and it does not seem so bad. I hope and intend it to work fine. Figure with NO thyroid pushing any hormone into system at all, then taking the max is the normal, basically. As long as my system can take the sudden change.
Today will go to grocery store with P and then the other P will come over at dinner to give me carrot soup! Yum. The thought of two social interactions in one day is rather daunting right now, but I can handle it! It was difficult to call H to get a ride to drugstore to get the meds today. Do not even want to go out of door or talk on phone let alone go out into that world of buying and selling out there!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Home again, and again...
Today waking was nice. Actually got some real sleep even though sitting up, more or less, rather than lying down. Nice meaning did not have to think about going to surgery or what can happen... already did that!
Had a slight pain in chest during night, a tightness, and now that am up and moving think it is just the gas moving around inside. The pain drugs really plug one up and the laxatives are only just starting. Whew, next two days will be SO body conscious. that gets tiring itself....
It is a real spring morning here, rain coming down and rather chilly. This is the April weather the northeast USA sings about, makes the flowers and all the green green green later on in year. I do love seeing it yet glad I can be inside looking out. hmmm, was a year ago, I took the picture of the bottles in the window in rain, wow, another year.
Watched the movie UP last night with my friend who brought me dahl and rice for dinner. Great thought and good food but it was a bit too spicy for my system right now I found. I am so bland and plain in most of my food tastes, plus having to chew on seeds and pieces of little herb sticks just turns me off. I do like powdered herbs and spices better! They even left the bay leaf in the dahl. ugh... anyhow took all sticks and stones out of soup, added the nice basmati rice and had a feast.
The movie was, maybe not fun, as one would think an animated movie for children would be, but it IS a disney movie, so go figure. Bambi's mother always has to die... However, once we got over the emotional crisis of death in family and possibile failure of some dreams, I did enjoy the movie a lot. The adventure of following the dream no matter what... Actually, since my friend left it here, perhaps I will watch again today even. Normally do not watch movies more than once, but since am stuck inside and can't mail back for a day, the artwork is just wonderful in this movie. I do love the way disney artists enlarge or shorten and change characteristics in their animated actors - colors were mellow in this one. liked the hues better than most their movies. HATE that they made it so one can not go to specific scenes but has to scroll through if movie gets stuck or you want to find something in particular. HATE that you could not fast forward through other movie clips. THEY are getting too much control over the actual watching a movie again ;-)
Today will be the first real restful day I expect. Not going anywhere. Can sleep, eat or sit as much as I want! Talking on phone and playing in Farmville, perhaps playing at a little arts and craft. Not sure about that one yet. I mean I do feel good physically really, compared to what I could, but am tired. Hard to keep the mind from feeling guilty on not doing anything when home and healing, yet hard to concentrate on anything. This one is a tad harder as not feeling physically in pain or bad as much as knee replacement was three months ago. Mind keeps telling me I "should" do this or that - as usual.
Forget that I am on drugs too. This is hydrocodone. Have not looked it up as yet but know it is some kind of strong one - heroin or morphine type based. is causing some little itching and seeing of little bits of things here and there that are not there! Funny how these type of drugs do not make me feel like I am DRUGGED but then little things that happen, see, or feel make me realize, wow, am stoned more than I know! good they don't let me drive....
Had a slight pain in chest during night, a tightness, and now that am up and moving think it is just the gas moving around inside. The pain drugs really plug one up and the laxatives are only just starting. Whew, next two days will be SO body conscious. that gets tiring itself....
It is a real spring morning here, rain coming down and rather chilly. This is the April weather the northeast USA sings about, makes the flowers and all the green green green later on in year. I do love seeing it yet glad I can be inside looking out. hmmm, was a year ago, I took the picture of the bottles in the window in rain, wow, another year.
Watched the movie UP last night with my friend who brought me dahl and rice for dinner. Great thought and good food but it was a bit too spicy for my system right now I found. I am so bland and plain in most of my food tastes, plus having to chew on seeds and pieces of little herb sticks just turns me off. I do like powdered herbs and spices better! They even left the bay leaf in the dahl. ugh... anyhow took all sticks and stones out of soup, added the nice basmati rice and had a feast.
The movie was, maybe not fun, as one would think an animated movie for children would be, but it IS a disney movie, so go figure. Bambi's mother always has to die... However, once we got over the emotional crisis of death in family and possibile failure of some dreams, I did enjoy the movie a lot. The adventure of following the dream no matter what... Actually, since my friend left it here, perhaps I will watch again today even. Normally do not watch movies more than once, but since am stuck inside and can't mail back for a day, the artwork is just wonderful in this movie. I do love the way disney artists enlarge or shorten and change characteristics in their animated actors - colors were mellow in this one. liked the hues better than most their movies. HATE that they made it so one can not go to specific scenes but has to scroll through if movie gets stuck or you want to find something in particular. HATE that you could not fast forward through other movie clips. THEY are getting too much control over the actual watching a movie again ;-)
Today will be the first real restful day I expect. Not going anywhere. Can sleep, eat or sit as much as I want! Talking on phone and playing in Farmville, perhaps playing at a little arts and craft. Not sure about that one yet. I mean I do feel good physically really, compared to what I could, but am tired. Hard to keep the mind from feeling guilty on not doing anything when home and healing, yet hard to concentrate on anything. This one is a tad harder as not feeling physically in pain or bad as much as knee replacement was three months ago. Mind keeps telling me I "should" do this or that - as usual.
Forget that I am on drugs too. This is hydrocodone. Have not looked it up as yet but know it is some kind of strong one - heroin or morphine type based. is causing some little itching and seeing of little bits of things here and there that are not there! Funny how these type of drugs do not make me feel like I am DRUGGED but then little things that happen, see, or feel make me realize, wow, am stoned more than I know! good they don't let me drive....
Friday, April 9, 2010
Beginning again
Am very self conscious about suddenly writing here again... not necessarily doing any art other than having gone back to my commercial job again. that takes all the energy right out of me even though not too busy when I got there. just being there seeing half a floor dark due to layoffs and no one working those cubes...
mostly, been thinking about the stuff they do not tell you about when you agree to do voluntary major surgery. replace the bad old knee with a brand new knee and three months later one cell in the middle of the scar, that has been doing well and quiet suddenly wakes up and for hours I get these sharp, stabbing painful jabs. you jump and start and hen finally massage enough it settles down. what? no one tells you about some things like this with surgery... oh yeah, get rid of the pain, the main pain, no, i am not complaining, I can walk better and it is great, but geez, throbs and these nerves that shoot off at times! so weird....
then there is the new diagnosis... thyroid nodule have had for a few years decides now to take off and in a week will get it taken out. whew, morning pages are not working for me right now, thinking of showing up at this electronic page instead of for awhile. may not be exact talk on art pieces AI am doing but still creating the art of my life...
mostly, been thinking about the stuff they do not tell you about when you agree to do voluntary major surgery. replace the bad old knee with a brand new knee and three months later one cell in the middle of the scar, that has been doing well and quiet suddenly wakes up and for hours I get these sharp, stabbing painful jabs. you jump and start and hen finally massage enough it settles down. what? no one tells you about some things like this with surgery... oh yeah, get rid of the pain, the main pain, no, i am not complaining, I can walk better and it is great, but geez, throbs and these nerves that shoot off at times! so weird....
then there is the new diagnosis... thyroid nodule have had for a few years decides now to take off and in a week will get it taken out. whew, morning pages are not working for me right now, thinking of showing up at this electronic page instead of for awhile. may not be exact talk on art pieces AI am doing but still creating the art of my life...
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