Tonight... a new Spanish Rice which was actually spicy! Casa Dias that were ok, but I wanted the tortillas to be a bit crisper. Along with Foil Wrapped veggies which were good on their own, however the frozen snap peas were TOO soft and cooked for me - the disadvantage of having to put them in the foil wraps in the first place. Frozen veggies are cooked already. The fresh veggie were very good with the lemon juice, soy sauce, drips, onion salt, garlic salt, pepper. Would have liked to add some butter but leaving that out right now...

feel so good about yesterday. was a decent day. only crashed for an hour at one point and was afraid the whole afternoon would be shot again, but ended up after a short nap could do the things I wanted. actually got place vacumned, finally, and with Gopi's help later, changed my bed around so it no longer squeaks! hardly had a headache, or at least only a very small one, all day. I think was because I did not take the synthroid overdose the night before.

spent part of the morning taking out sections of my writings here that pertain to the disease and things I've written about it. copied them and dated over on artdreams the blog. am thinking of editing them a little and posting to get the blog caught up. even if it is currently only really about my health and it's progress, not my art progress per se, who cares? I have gone through this several times, start and stop and it almost seems cheating to add in posts post dated, but again, it is my blog and I can if I want too. a lot of complaining, but maybe I and fill in some items that would help others who have had thyroid cancer or knee replacements as they recover. we are all in the same boat! thought to,again, try to work forward and add more, but more about the food and diet and new cooking things I learn. perhaps can help someone who may think of becoming or staying vegetarian or just add to the many blogs and info there is currently out there. also a way for me to keep electronic files on this process of cooking and eating and taking permanent meds. not sure a, to buy, cookbook by me will happen anymore. there are a million and one veggie cookbooks now. I would rather concentrate on my memoir and get that done and published.

Back to 137 mcgs

hope today is better than yesterday. did not take the synthroid early morning at all. could not get new script for lesser amount and decided to just skip it for one day. actually slept and do not feel a headache so much. let's hope that is it. I was thinking the last couple mornings that maybe I had some strange brain cancer on top of the thyroid one! the headache was just too much, even when taking tylanol or naproxen for other pain. today I get to start the lower amount. man, I hope this works. do not need this stupid up and down shit in 4 weeks when I have knee surgery. part of me wonders if should postpone this one a few more months, but then it will go into next year and have new deductible and next year will really have a fixed income. whew, as year is going into early fall or on second half of year, now am some worried about no income next year!

just wish I could get going on the book for real. such a thing in my head and just seem to loose time every day regarding it. can not hardly get to making the bed and vacumning. hope Dr.C is right that it is the hormone and it will straighten out now. where does everyday go to? seems just fixing things here and swimming and phone talking I guess.

went to Dr. C armed with all my questions and problems and all he wanted to address was that I had to lessen the amount of synthroid I was taking as too much and that is why blood test was so low. this whole thing with how less is more and backwards confuses me to no end - especially when I am hypothyroid because of it! some of the symptoms are exhaustion and confusion and anxiety... duh... but it means I need "less" hormone! when he said he would now put me on 137mcgs of it instead of the 150, I was wha??? also he said the Vit D thing is very important and it works so just do it. of course, when I looked at Vit D Council website they claim I need to get magnesium and something else to make it really absorb and even promoted the brand I got at wegmans - except I did not get the "plus" version that has those things in it. I got the regular one so "should" make sure I get all the other stuff too. crap. Dr, C did not seem to care about that - he and nurse just said to take what I got and DO it. it will work. but he did give me a lab sheet so in six weeks I can have blood work again for both.
weird thing is he said he sent me a script and a note due to the blood work on 8/11 and I still do not have it! so he had to give me another one today and I went to fill it and, of course, they are out of stock at CVS so have to wait one more day. am thinking of shaving off a little of the 150 I have just for tonight. I am SICK of feeling so tired and crabby all the time! then from the crabbiness, I swear that is why "things" seem to be breaking and just horrible so much! the nurse tried to make me feel happy because, according to their scale, I lost 9 pounds since I went there last which was 6 weeks ago or so. she was thrilled and I was just, so? I do not FEEL like I lost 9 pounds, I thought I had gained weight! and besides, the first time I went there, I was 260lbs, then weeks later there I was 275 and now weeks later I am 261 again? shit! I can not win for loosin' it seems like. I hate this. Now, I am afraid to lessen the synthroid because maybe I will gain weight again? WTF?
and there is no one, except Bhuvi, to talk to about it as they are all clueless, which makes sense. do not know anyone who's had this kind of cancer and full thyroid removal so they all say, "oh, they just got to get the amount right and it will all be fine... took my so and so, ,months, but since then it has been fine." well, it may NOT be fine with cancer involved so I am led to believe, but we'll see. even Dr, C, when I said I had to get this together as possible as I am having another surgery next month, looked away and shook his head. sometimes I wonder if I should postpone it. BUT I DO NOT WANT TOO!!!! I want this freaking bad bad knee done so it is like my new one! I just hope, when I start the new level of synthroid tomorrow it will get ok and be good and vit D will be ok by then also.
Dr C said I did not have to do the radiation scan before next Feb. even tho nuclear guys said so. he feels it will be fine to wait until Feb when my knee is healed and I have gotten my hormones ok. I have to be happy about those two things - weight loss and no radiation or at least no low iodine diet until next Feb!!! (even if I have a new deductible!)
I need disability so I do not have to worry about going to work again - that is for sure.... hmmm, maybe too, I will start sitting in sun again for 15 minutes every other day - for the vit D - at least until winter!

tomorrow meet Dr. Charatz again. HOPING a new amount of synthroid will help with my sleeping, tiredness, and general hypothyroid symptoms - again and this time really work. I think I notice all these symptoms getting worse and just now really bothersome. talked with Ellen about the vit D thing last night and she says she has been through it also. Not quite as regimented as I seem to be doing, but her Dr. said the same thing. she also feels it is just another "thing" Drs. are into - the new thing to rip off insurance companies and get patients and make them buy things from pharmacists where they get kick backs. the new crisis. although Bhuvi says she is just starting to feel better now after so many weeks of taking this heavy supplement. she says her acupuncturist had to do this also and it took her a lot more than what the Dr. said to achieve. I need to read the areas in my thyroid book to see what that guy said. I know he did something about it. of course the stupid Dr. W. did not add another TSH test on the lab she sent me for six weeks even tho she is the one who said that was low also. is she stupid or what? if I was not going to need her for this next surgery clearance, I would change primary Dr, now. I guess I will in the next year after all this is done. sometimes I feel all this will never be done but I can go there, as they say...

found out yesterday that I have a huge Vit D deficiency also - like Bhuvi. never go out in sun anymore so, go figure. had to get a bottle of that super D that she has and it cost $40! for 100 pills tho and only take once a week, altho, when I told Bhuvi she said her Dr. realized right away it takes a lot more to get you to where you belong than once a week once you are so low like we were. we'll see. I may also try to get out into sun a little more for heavens sake! I have not read all the bad things about the deficiency for real, but glanced at them and it is amazing - many of the symptoms I have had for a long time - of course. but no one ever checked that. I know one thing is they say that for the absorption of calcium it is really necessary, so maybe all these years, I have not been absorbing my calcium well either and why arthritis and bones so bad and thyroid cancer! ugh... anyhow, took the first pill last night awhile before bed and woke up around 2am with the worst headache I have had in years! just there, inside my head, hurting really bad. yet could go back to sleep. I think it was there for an hour and I knew it but was so tired from previous night no sleep that just went through it. when awoke at 5:30 had night sweats but no headache. it does seem like a lot of one type of vitamin to take all at once, but not sure if that is why I had the headache or not. I guess I will have to look up in my thyroid book and the stuff Bhuvi sent me about it. Dr. also said my TSH was still low so that makes sense with my lethargy, feeling badly, and still this huge amount of weight not getting any better. Will see Dr. Charatz on Tues and figure he will up the pills for that! THANK GOD for the older Dr. gentleman who told me to do this before my next surgery! Without him, I would not have, most likely, as no one seems to care or think about it (meaning my "health care professionals") and would not have scheduled all this unless I had that form and pushed it and asked the blood draw person about the TSH test. Now I have about 6 weeks to try to get these levels up more before I need every ounce of self to heal my next knee. thank goodness am not working either. I would be a mess right now. Only Krsna can take care of me properly and thankfully He gives me tools to do so regularly within my instincts!
sometimes I do wonder if my instincts were better, would some of this all been avoided so long ago! oh well, that is the past and this is the now. my karma and bodily aging. still so much better or easier than so many other people. I am sure I deserve a lot worse! i do want to go around proclaiming to everyone I know tho to have their thyroid and Vit D levels checked regularly whether the Dr. tells you to or not!

had to get the blood draw this morning while fasting. got there at 7:30 when they open and there were 10 people ahead of me! geez, louise. so had to wait there an hour as I swear the two techs just hang out taking their time as much as possible. so, got home just in time to eat breakfast and call Dr. W since she did not put on this lab order the test for TSH which is WHY I wanted to take the test in the first place. so called and hope she does what she is supposed to - call the lab and add in that test. of course, she never answered the phone so who knows what it is about. just shows how little she thought of my complaints and problems last March. she made the request then and did not even put on it, thyroid tests. ugh, makes me want to get a new GP, yet, everyone I mention anything about all this has a story too. seems all GPs are NOT up to date on possible thyroid problems or symptoms. Perhaps the insurance companies need to be told about them!!!

July's Frequently Used Words!

Frequently used words

able actually adam after again almost alone already also although am another any anyhow anymore anything around ask asked away back bad because bed been before being believe better bhuvi big bit book both bring business buy call called came car care come coming computer could couple course day days desktop different doing done dont down easier either else end enough even feel few figure finally find first fixed food forth found friends full get getting give go going good gopi gopis got guess ha hard hate having he help helped her here him his home hope house idea into job just keep kids kind know la laptop last later least left let library life like little live living long look looking lot love made make making man many may maybe me might mom money more morning move moving much my need needs never new next nice night no not nothing now off oh ok old once only over own part people place pretty probably put quite rather ready real really remember right room run rv same say saying says see seem seems set she should since sitting sleep someone something sometimes start started stay still stuff sure surprised take talia talk tell thing things think thinking tho those thought three through tired today together told too trip trying tv two ugh unless until up us used using very virus visit want wanted wants watch week weeks weird well went where while whole why wish women wonder words work working writing yeah year years yes yesterday yet

I love to use my horoscope sometimes for fodder to write here off of! Today's seems to be a good one, although parts a little vague just because of my current real time situation...
"You don't think it's fair when you are asked to choose between your personal and professional life. But your job is changing and your work may impinge on your private world more than you wish. "
it was difficult at first to think of my 'work' or 'professional' life anymore since I have no job. soon I got to equate this with my ART! my 'real' life which I tend to relegate to the background too much all these child rearing years. now, I want this as my 'job' and so look at these horoscopes with that in mind. I can look at that line above as having to do with Gopi moving in here and loosing my studio. if I am honest, I know I have not used it as much as could have. during work time said I had no energy to and since last Dec. have been working on body more than anything. now he is here and I am moving studio stuff to dining room so yes, it is impinging on private world. and I feel it is more than I wish, yet, look, if you don't use it, you loose it! as I have learned about my muscles and body, so with things like studios...
"Unfortunately, resisting this new arrangement can bring frustration. Even if you are stressed, try to be optimistic about the future without slipping into denial about what's happening right now."
and, here, YES, I am stressed still, even without working a job. My kids and life are stressing me for sure. so to see to be optimistic about future is real nice! not sure I could slip in too much denial since it is all so dramatic around my kids in conjunction with my life it is very forefront to my mind and days. as of now, don't think I will go to LA afterall. Talia needs t

kosher cous cous
first saute in EVOO onions, mushrooms, garlic
when a slightly brown, add cous cous and saute until brownish
add 2 cups water and two tomatoes, skinned, cut up
add parsley and basil, salt and pepper
cook about 10 mins until water is gone

steamed green beans

arugala with sliced avocado, red onion, olives and lemon vinegrette dressing

Slow cooked stew. Soaked chick peas, onion, celery, red pepper, cut yam pieces, fresh tomato, skinned and chopped, asparagus pieces with water, bay leaf, salt, pepper, savory spice mix. at end, basamic vinegar and olive oil dressing.

first day by itself with oven french fries. next day,

served over basmati rice. some fresh garlic would have been nice I think - I had none and only a garlic sea salt can not eat.

since am adding after the fact, it sounds like a good combination for a food stew. One of the things I want to talk about with women is the cooking thing.


devotimentalististic  counsellors are fullof shit - if the mother comments on how pretty a girl is, is sets up a "thing" that black people are ugly - etc... it makes Mom feel like she is so bad, she felt like SAME  issue is going  on...

Cauliflower cooking

Cabbage, onions, Cauliflower, carrots, and celery sauteed in olive oil. Balsamic dressing added at end. Over basmati rice. alt to taste at end.

mango with orange squeezed over as a desert.

Day Two of the Thyrogen Shot

In general am very happy that I no longer have to go to the day job which was so stressful. Sometimes I think that is what caused this cancer - and peoples' cancer in general - stress and the unseen crap in the air no one wants to talk about - that besides the crap in most of the food we eat. Our company employees seem to come up with strange cancers much more than most of us hear about in others within our extended families and friends. Old time printing ink? What did they do with it and the chemicals that cleaned the presses over a hundred years ago? What is lurking in a brick building, literally over the river, that is 150 years old? What lurks in those cube walls and cheap paint used over and over.

Anyhow, the first two days of unemployment have been spent going to hospital to take the Thyrogen. First day had no reaction other than ability to take a nap in afternoon! Never do that. Also slept well last night, again not "normal". Today's shot seems also ok but do have a slight headache. Have noticed some headaches in the background of my head when normal pain meds for arthritis have been forgotten, but this one seems some different.

Food has been better this week. ALMOST used to this low iodine diet - not! It is better and today, three days later than when I made and wrote about that stew, I just had some for lunch. Last day I think I can eat it, although I had frozen some for next week. One great thing about vegetarian food, it lasts a lot longer than anything with meat products in it. Then, take out dairy and it can last for a very long time. It tasted much better today. Had it along with some matzo crackers dipped in a very good tomato/raisin (salt less) chutney.

Have wanted to write here more. Think of things throughout day think would be useful here in case anyone ever read it, but since I never tell anyone about this blog... nevermind! Was happy today to find some information from patients on this same treatment that was actually dated 2010. So far everything I ever find is at least two years old. I guess I need to add some other than this non-advertised blog...

For the Love of a Potato

Had a different salad for lunch and it was just boring. I find that the lemon and olive oil is just not making it. The regular salad I had the day before with lettuce and all was good with the dressing, although I took out most of the lettuce. It was just too chewy, not crisp. I find I am really getting sick of lettuce like so many fruits and veggies not "the same" anymore.

So, this morning I made up a salad of tomatoes, blanched then chilled zucchinni, scallions, olives (non salted - rather strange!) and celery. Looked wonderful. Covered it with the lemon and olive oil dressing with salt, pepper, and the garlic herb spice. Let it sit for hours until dinner.

Was looking forward to it but when dinner time came, ate only a third of it. The dressing was just not good for that combo of veggies I guess. I do understand that my taste buds may be off due to the cancer, synthroid and the thyrogen but still. I do find it weird sometimes how my tastebuds are just not the same, so maybe there is some truth to it.

In the end. I ate because it was good for me. However, I find that my organic yukon gold potatoes, sliced like french fries and covered in olive oil then roasted/baked in oven for a half hour has become my favorite food! I seem to think of eating them morning noon and night, but don't. Also am loving radishes plain. More foods I like plain than trying to make them "interesting". Just add a bunch of non-iodized salt and go for it!

Food Equals Fuel

OK, yes I agree with the title and have been working on getting it more into my life. Have been looking at this "opportunity" to see all my food this way due to this low idodine diet have had to keep too.

But, in general, and especially today, I MISS BUTTER!!!! I also miss other things, but butter seems to be the biggest and most FLAVORFUL ingredient to any vegetarian cooking. We won't get into other issues right now, like missing the flavor of some soy meat substitute flavors. Butter, as a base of soups and stews is just necessary.

Well, maybe not "necessary" according to many diets,but man... this morning I took a left over veggie prepared in olive oil a day ago and turned it into a stew. IS "good" and healthy and wonderful in it's own right, but it needs butter! It needs, if not butter, than something with the meal of it including cheese. ugh... this diet may kill me. Well, actually, I think with including an organic (not GMO) soy sausage or like that would make it better, but butter is the most missing!

Anyhow, I piled the leftover sauteed swiss chard, celery, mushroom, with onion veggie that I made  the other night into a soup pan. I added cups of water (the swisschard (some parts of it) as it had seemed a little tough even though decent flavor previously. I cut into it, pieces of carrots, potatoes, more onions, celery salt and pepper and bay leaf. Cooked that for a half hour and added, skinned tomatoes, frozen lima beans and more non iodised salt, pepper aAnd some wild with white rice. Cooked that for another 10-15 minutes and turned off.

Let that sit for awhile and then finally ate. Good, but STILL bland to some extent! Missed the butter. Sorry all you vegans... A few pieces of swisschard were still hard so as I ate it, I moved those aside. I ate it with the thought "this is good for me. I need this. I can not have anything else. I spent an hour or more cooking it and cleaning kitchen. EAT this!" so I did. but I missed the butter....

Cause of the Cancer

Every day is a different emotion. Mostly been ignoring this all and sloughing it off like it is nothing to everyone. But when alone, I do go through other things. I guess partly because am winding down my 20 year job this week and some worrying about what the "next life" will be, I do not want to think about this other elephant in the room. But more the last few days I have pondered how did I get this cancer? (other than my karma which I know is the overall answer!)

They say this is not a common cancer and so curable, but then if I have had none of the 5 typical reasons they say one gets this cancer, why do I have it? Plus, lately it seems I am running into more and more people diagnosed with odd cancers or health problems - even some dying too much lately. We are not THAT old!

So, today I was reading my latest email from Mother Jones magazine and came upon this. I have just copied a little of it, the paragraphs that got me going, but the title links to full article. Notice how this one chemical is BANNED IN EUROPE but not here! (and we are so "developed'?) I spent a few years cleaning houses once a long time ago. I spent 10 years in a house down stream from a metal gear making plant.... These kinds of cancers take a long time to develop - so maybe I got this from cleaning products!

"Which Household Cleaners Contain Secret Toxic Ingredients?

"What we do know: Many common ingredients pose risks both to humans and the environment. Alkylphenol ethoxylates (APEs), which are used as "surfactants" to make cleaning solutions spread over a surface smoothly, are an endocrine disruptor and are banned in Europe."

So I followed the link describing what an "endocrine disruptor" is, since my whole health program is now managed by an Endocrinologist. Here are the clips that got me:

"Nonylphenol is a toxic xenobiotic[*] compound classified as an endocrine disrupter capable of interfering with the hormonal system of numerous organisms. .... Nonylphenol ethoxylates [in the cleaning products rinsed down our drains] reach sewage treatment works in substantial quantities where they biodegrade into several by-products including nonylphenol. Due to its physical–chemical characteristics, such as low solubility and high hydrophobicity, nonylphenol accumulates in environmental compartments that are characterised by high organic content, typically sewage sludge and river sediments, where it persists. The occurrence of nonylphenol in the environment is clearly correlated with anthropogenic activities such as wastewater treatment, landfilling and sewage sludge recycling. ...

"The impacts of nonylphenol in the environment include feminization of aquatic organisms, decrease in male fertility and the survival of juveniles at concentrations as low as 8.2 μg/l. Due to the harmful effects of the degradation products of nonylphenol ethoxylates in the environment, the use and production of such compounds have been banned in EU countries and strictly monitored in many other countries such as Canada and Japan."

and, I see these are still included in laundry softeners, detergents and other cleaning products claiming in America they did not ban because, basically, our sewage treatment plants are so good. Yeah, well I wonder, what WAS that horrible looking yellowish crap that piled up into the river near my old home in Palmyra? I wonder more and more about these kinds of things since I found the 10 years I lived there with my daughter and I thought I was giving her a "good healthy place" to live, in reality, the half acre of grass yard was what gave her the horrible colds and sicknesses all those year. What - may the water have done this to me?

*xenobiotic: a chemical compound (as a drug, pesticide, or carcinogen that is foreign to a living organism

Third Day, Smaller Hissy Fit

The old gang has decided to have 2nd Friday at Ralph's house on June 25, so Bonnie can be there, and we all see her. I was not sure I could go since it is two days after small radiation dose and the same day as the body scan. Called Dr. He is so cute. Says I can go for that one, unless I want to use him as an excuse not to go. hahahaha! I replied, "Boy do you know me..." He says, "Yes, I know all my patients." Good one, Doc! I will go to this party so I can see Bonnie. Just won't eat anything (ugh that is harder and harder) and will not hug a lot. Will take my own dinnerware kind of thing. He did not say I had too, but for heavens sake, there is no way I want to chance giving anyone any dose of radiation. We are all getting older and more sensitive. I think, at least two or three of them have had some form of cancer "at our age" already.

Glad am taking tomorrow off as it sick day. It WILL be a mental health day. I can call some of these people I owe so much money too and whine about it and/or pay my bills that I can. I am so far behind it is ridiculous. Feel like I did years ago when had the house with so many bills. Now, it is health bills. Ugh. Always something. Cooked a good dinner last night but had hissy fits again - whether pressure from daughter and her phone shit - or just another something from food weirdness. By the time I got it all cooked, I only ate a small amount, as was just tired of the whole thing, but was good in the end. Roasted yams, onions, mushrooms, cauliflower, red peppers, a salad of tomatoes, green onions, cucumber with lemon/olive oil vinegrete dressing -  steamed asparagus (which was the best part of dinner!) and two slices of the special bread with peanut butter. Also made cabbage salad with radishes, onions, and leftover salad from the night for lunch today. It is like ekadasi every day around here....

First Day Low Iodine Diet

Here we are. Happy Monday! I am starting my new diet for two or three weeks. A low/no iodine diet for thyroid radiation treatment diet. I went  to grocery store yesterday and buying just enough veggies and fruits, since I had rice and noodles and like that, it cost over $80, for one person, for a week! Man, no wonder poor people are unhealthy and fat. Even middle class people actually - if they have a family or don't spend money on anything but food.

I soaked my first bit of dried beans overnight. This morning I will have home cooked oatmeal with strawberries and honey - no milk. Seems breakfast will be my hardest meal. or, being Monday, and having to go to work, I wonder if I will have time to cook the oatmeal! Might be banana and two pieces of the special bread with peanut butter.

Also realized this morning that last night I should have cooked the beans in a stew then because now, what am I going to take for lunch? Can't buy anything there. Oh! I could buy a salad and just use the oil and vinegar they have there with no salt. So many foods, actually, ALL foods prepared by others have so much salt I was amazed when really started looking at it.

Suppose if I do get used to this diet, it will be the healthiest I have eaten since the '70s. Maybe I could stay with it more and/or longer. at least be better at what I eat.

OK, already angry at the store because the strawberries I bought yesterday have mold on them this morning! Geez... would say that is a little too old - should have bought the ones that looked more irradiated and/or sprayed. Ha - these are probably not so chemicalized but if I can not eat them, so what?

I need to restart actually offering my food more with prayers. If offered maybe it will see all that chemical reaction taken away as well as the reaction from killing the plants to eat like the Bhagavatam says. One weird thing is generally concentrating so MUCH on food! It has been enough for 40 years to concentrate on just being vegetarian and offering prayers with it to various extents. All of a sudden I am back into only thinking about it - how to cook, what not to eat, what has it got in it, what can make it have more taste. Whew.

Went to the Indian resturant last night with a friend to have one last big, salty, dairy infused meal. It was good but I had to laugh, tasted too salty! I had said I did not want to go back there as last time it was not very good. It had too many "sticks" in it, the herbs. This time was cooked better, but was really too salty. Everything was over salted. My taste buds are so changed already, what will it be like in a few weeks? The dahl was delicious again and later I enjoyed the savories while watching a movie ;-)

Second Day Low Iodine Diet

Seems dinner is the hardest meal for me. Seemed to think lunch and afternoon snack time would be the most difficulet but dinner has been the scene for the most break downs so far.

I did not want to make stuff I had here as the thought of it all without any butter nor cheese made me not want anything. I gave into six more of those wonderful pretzels I have here. I think I have to get rid of them.

Then later, when really needed something dinner like, I did not want to do the hour or more of cooking. I mean, by then, it was 8pm. After all the phone calls, I got two pieces of the special bread (which is very good - thank goodness - at $4 a loaf, it had better be!) and a bowl of fruit, banana, melon and mango. That was really good, but am sick of fruit in some ways already. It is so sweet! I do not eat that much "sweet" stuff normally, no matter what, and hardly use sugar itself.

In the end I could eat that though - bread with only peanut butter. Eczema does not seem any better, nor any worse, for having no dairy. After three days, if it was the dairy, I think it would be better. We'll see.

Going for the Big Cure

Have not posted in awhile. Thought, again, might just stop altogether as needs to be a constant thing and I am so irregular. Also, so much going on in my life can not think of how to write about it. Started with the 750Words site to do my morning pages and do like it. Abit of a bug with my browser but I have a good work around now. Takes a lot less time than by hand and there is no evidence lying around of what I have written. I like the privacy factor! 

My medical team has decided it would be best for me to take the radiation treatment therapy and  I will be doing that in two weeks. Starting this Monday I start a two week low iodine diet and I am sure will be posting about that regularly here as it sounds worse than the treatment itself! I have pasted the blurb about my treatment here as I found it to be the best description of what is going on. Plus it is pretty positive so makes me feel better when I reread it! OK, on to find SOMETHING I will be able to eat next two weeks other than just plain rice and veggies ;-)

 From the Endocrineweb

The Use of Radioactive Iodine Post-Operatively

Thyroid cells are unique in that they have the cellular mechanism to absorb iodine. The iodine is used by thyroid cells to make thyroid hormone. No other cell in the body can absorb or concentrate iodine. Physicians can take advantage of this fact and give radioactive iodine to patients with thyroid cancer. There are several types of radioactive iodine, with one type being toxic to cells. Papillary cancer cells absorb iodine and therefore they can be targeted for death by giving the toxic isotope (I-131). Once again, not everybody with papillary thyroid cancer needs this therapy, but those with larger tumors, spread to lymph nodes or other areas, tumors which appear aggressive microscopically, and older patients may benefit from this therapy. This is extremely individualized and no recommendations are being made here or elsewhere on this web site...too many variables are involved. But, this is an extremely effective type of "chemotherapy" will little or no potential down-sides (no hair loss, nausea, weight loss, etc.).

Sunday and Sick - well, maybe

It is Sunday and I just am not feeling well. Friday afternoon, I ate lunch and within an hour wished I could go barf the lunch up but couldn't. It was a very good sandwich too - from a reliable place. Not sure what that was about but maybe just timing as I still am not feeling well and it is two days later.

Can not tell if may be hormones - not enough or too much, something in the sandwich, but that seems it would be over by now if was food related. Waking with headaches again and today it has not gone away. Not real bad but just there, all the time. All I want to do is lie in bed and read or keep eyes closed. Have managed to do a load of laundry and clean the bathroom so am not devastated. Yet just have no enthusiasm for anything. Lovely day and one would think would want to go outside and take pictures or walk or go to Lilac Festival. No, not interested. Here wanted spring to come so badly and now I stay inside when it is here! Hey, at least I can open the windows.

Part of me worries it is not the hormones needing regulation but it is the cancer. Maybe it is all through my body now and that is what is making me feel bad so much of the time. I did think, after taking the thyroid out I would then feel better - well, not yet. Been four weeks, seems like should be getting better. However, Dr. finally just drew blood to check hormones and calcium so... go figure. Hope that is it and he tells me I just need to adjust something.

All this makes me not want to do next knee surgery. Did I already tell you that here? I am not sure. I am pretending that is not in my head! I have to do it. I need to do it as the one already done is so good and yet getting not as good because of the drag of the other one.

I suppose I should go and look in my Thyroid book and see if the headaches and this feeling might just be normal. That is what Dr. acted like. He did not want to address anything until he sees the blood labs. Hopefully early this week.

Cancer

Yes, the big C word. I think it just hit me. I knew the prognosis. I knew after the surgery the possibility. But, I think I just ignored it all. Was hoping I would not have to do the radiation treatment. That all was fine as surgeon said and just go on with life....

Not... Well, it is still not "bad" as could be, or as bad as some get or even as bad as I had hoped it would not be. Still, three more days or more out of work that I am ending in five weeks anyhow. Isolation in my own home (which with the moods I've been in does sound great actually!). I wonder what other kind of symptoms will happen they are not telling me about. Hmmmmm, do I loose my hair and stuff? I doubt it since that seems to come with the chemo type treatment.

It was my first visit to Endo Dr. and I wanted him to be as positive and happy as surgeon had been. He was not. He was NOT happy they had found cancer cells at all, especially in other areas they had not tested and not the one they were concerned with. He was more serious and cautious and just wanted me to agree to the radiation. He answered a couple questions on the calcium and the synthroid. Took more blood to now test it for all the levels I need to have. Will find out if everything is at least working. He wants me to go on the non-generic synthroid now only because of there being cancer. He says he feels better when he knows exactly how much the drug is putting into system and with generics, regardless of what others say, he feels he then knows the exact amount and quality. OK, sounds good. Yet, his seriousness rubbed off on me over night and I am finally freaked out about the idea there WERE CANCER cells inside me no one knew about - mostly me! AND, I gained back five pounds since March when I saw them last. Shit... that was probably worse news than the radiation treatment!

So, woke with a charlie horse in calf again. Did last week once also. Need to check into that. The Dr. was so brief and serious, he seemed he wanted to get away from me as fast as he could, so I forgot to ask him about these things. He mostly only wanted to tell me to go to radiation treatment, take my blood to test for hormone levels and all and get out of there... ok, I did. At least he agreed that five grams of calcium was way too much and I think he thinks I heard other Dr. wrong, but I know I didn't. So, anyhow, no more Tums! Just my normal vitamin and supplement routine.

God, and to think about what I eat again... and again... and need to get out and walk or swim again - just TOO TIRED after work. Work is draining me so much... maybe the hormones are not right afterall!

Bird Shit on the Windsheild

Wouldn't you know it. I get my car washed last night before going home. This morning all proud and happy I get in thinking how nice it is to get the bird droppings off and the latest surprise snow/ice. Driving along, not four minutes later, and SPLAT two new deposits of bird shit on the windshield - again! Wash job not even 12 hours old and while am moving down the street. No wonder people are hating the sea gulls these days...

Hopefully that won't forecast the rest of my day! But it is old Murphy, up to his latest tricks, so who knows. Maybe i need to stop thinking of him as Murphy. The Native American traditions I have studied call him Coyote and I do l ike that name better. I used to get upset because I like coyotes as a species and felt it unfair, but there ARE always the fate of tricksters, so might as well be someone other than some "guy" named "Murphy"...

Slept better last night until the 4 o'clock pee and meds. Then kind of drifted and rested. Had a large hot flash at 4 so it woke me up more than normal. At 6:30 upon rising for work was ready to go back to bed. Ah well, the life of the real retired! Seems that drastic intense no good day I had last Thursday over the meds was just a night. Since then the flashes have not been as dramatic or frequent. Still need to ask him if the dosage may be a little too high. Tonight have to figure out just how much calcium I am actually getting into my body this new way - multi vitamin, one 500mg supplement, two Tums sometime in afternoon or evening. I think I need to add the multi vitamin again at night and keep forgetting....

Weekend Report

Nice weekend but not long enough, as usual.

Had a wedding 200 miles away to attend. At first had planned to do it all in one day. Luckily my kids convinced me I did not want to do that and had a motel room reserved I could use. In the end I needed it and was thankful for expensive small favors!

Just getting ready, packed, driving and attending the wedding was enough for my energy level. Plus, the weather was so cold, rainy, WINDY, and even some snowy, it was hard to deal with during an outdoors wedding!. Thank goodness for the family being farmers and knowing how to be prepared for upstate NY nutsy spring weather! The tent they had would make Ringling Brothers' tent look shabby and ill prepared. This tent with it's three large white peaks and billowing/flowing veils of fabric coming down all around from the peaks was beautiful. This tent had heat pouring into it, windows one could see the protective tractors and plows which they had had to park around the tent in order to tie it down with huge ropes. With the storm we had during the ceremony, the 300 people there were grateful for tractors and plows!

Friday night slept well for awhile but then woke at 5am and could not sleep. Had figured to go back to sleep for a nap before driving the 200 miles to wedding. Nope, could not. So, packed, loaded and ready to go at noon, I made it to the place with 30 minutes to spare. whew! Thank goodness for late checkins to motel, although having had time to go there during day and see how to get there would have proved a good idea after what happened later.

Was tired after dinner and all the excitement of the weather and watching them get married and watching my son, one of the groomsmen do his duties for his buddy. In between the pouring rain and wind, got new directions to motel, figured to get there just before dark so could see to drive. Ha, directions did not work and I got lost in Utica! Wandering around and being so tired, down from whole social thing (hey, don't knock it, you have no idea how hard it is for me to do these big social things!) just collapsed in car on side of road.

What to do now? Calling kids at wedding no good as they did not have their phones strapped on for a change and with all the noise would not hear me anyhow. Found a gas station to park at, called hotel almost crying and got some directions. Even without real faith, found the Lord had guided me in the right direction at least. I was only ten minutes away and not that bad to find. FINALLY got checked in and under covers and watched, of all movies, 27 Dresses, falling asleep near end with dreams of a wedding I never had.

Next morning got a good breakfast, ready to get on road by 8a.m. to find it windy and cold cold cold. Got packed, left to about 15 miles outside of town to find snow, sleet, rain, even some sun the whole trip home! Made for intense driving. Got home, came inside, sat on bed, read for awhile and was asleep! Spent rest of Sunday either reading, watching stuff or sleeping! Quiet nice recuperative Sunday.

I notice I am more tired than I think from these surgeries and recovery! Being nice and lazy to myself is actually a good thing at this time....

End of First Work Week

TGIF for real. This first week of work was more difficult than coming back after the first knee surgery. And, today, Friday, was the hardest of all. Woke at 4am feeling some nauseous and small headache. Had a couple flashes during night but in general had slept in between ok. Went to pass urine and took my synthroid, laid there another hour almost and felt worse.

Sick? Meds? Too much whiskey the previous night? No, to the alcohol and did not feel like a flu. Must be the meds? Ugh. Could not go back to sleep but rested as knew had to go to work. double ugh....

Got ready, ate something, deciding it was the meds with nothing in my stomach. Had not had a large dinner the night before so must be that. Arrived at work a half hour late but just glad I made it. Never vomiting, just this constant small upset stomach. Anxiety waves flowing over me at times all day. Remembered these were all the feelings I was getting before the thyroid removal when I "knew" something was wrong!

Then, got more worried, as declared, "Oh no! Went through all that surgery and now this dependence on drugs and all for nothing? It was not that after all??? Ok, girl, get ahold of your self. And it dawned on me, it is the meds themselves most likely! Three weeks, almost to the day, and probably just too much. Creating a hyerthyroid condition like was going on before surgery. Wow.... 

Was able to work with self to feel controlled at least. Did not lash out at anyone and ate small amounts so eventually stomach settled down mostly. Found a good excuse for not talking or hanging out with people so much which is always a good thing for a hermit! hahahaha...

And, now, here, today, I wake without those same symptoms! The hot flashes were minimal last night, hardly even woke me. Although I woke at 5am and could not sleep again, have taken the synthroid am now having coffee and cinnamon granola bar and stomach is minimal. Anxiety less, body temp ok for now. Man, talk about a bag of hormones! Today will drive a hundred miles to a special wedding. Decided to stay the night after at a motel even though want to come home to my own cave, but mostly due to these quick, drastic changes inside me, figure better not to drive on Thruway at 9 at night! Ha, if I get back to motel early enough, can watch some bad cable TV in bed! Have not done that in a long time....

Better Symptoms

Most of the days are the same. I get some small hot flashes, at times, here and there. Random, unless I have been walking or exerting myself some. Don't get the incredible anxiety I was. Feel more my positive self who can go out to dinner with friends and/or actually function a tad other than work, food and bed.

Speaking of bed it is interesting how different each night can be.Tuesday night slept like a log as they say. It was wonderful! Funny how when one gets older you measure days by how, or IF, you slept the night before. Well, if it has been a long time since ever sleeping a whole night, sometimes by my age you do not even notice one good night over another! You are functioning in such a fog all the time....

However, I have been working on "getting good sleep" for a long time. A few years, so it is noticeable to me. Guess that's mostly what got me to this surprise surgery and having no thyroid in the first place! If you remember, just previous to surgery, I was waking every two hours, exactly, with the most intense night sweats I have ever had. Most of the time I could go back to sleep when calmed down, but many times could not after about the third round. It seemed I was back, but worse, into the throws of menopausal hell.

Right after surgery, for a week, I had none of that. I think it may have been more the heavy drugs I was taking- hydrocodone. I was waking but not so intense or frequent. The last week I have noticed some waking and some flashes. Then Tuesday night I woke too regularly again and more sweats than "flashes." Now we are down to Friday and I am starting to wonder if maybe my dose of synthroid is too high. Glad I am going to see Dr. C next week. By then I should know. Yesterday I had a couple spells of big anxiety and in the mornings have been feeling some nauseous. Waking with sweats, yes, and some facial flushing. Not as bad as before surgery, but almost. Enough I need to mention it.

Monday and back to work

Monday morning, going back to work. Even though for only six weeks, it seems daunting. Have gotten so used to my schedule at home, like a true retired person, am now realizing my true life desire is to do just this. "Retire" from my normal life. Not get a part time job or anything like that. Truly be at home, retired, from work field and work on my own creative life totally.

I can see now where it could happen. I would do it. No more worry, "Oh would I just become a bum, sitting around doing nothing, watching Tyra all day?" Nope, maybe for a week but that is it. I find the life minus a job, after 40 years, quite refreshing. What I remember I envisioned when starting out this working part of life. And it all gives me a feeling of being entitled somewhat.

When my daughter complains about her job and or how she can't stand it and does not think she should have to work a job, nor her boyfriend. They "see" how messed up it is with everyone having to work a job "forever" and never getting to do their own thing whatever it may be. OK, I can relate and understand that I also thought it was messed up and artists should be paid a wage to create etc. etc. However, now I feel more like "Tough shit girl. I put in my dues. Did my part to raise you. Did my time at the drudge job - for the family - for life as we knew it...  Now it is YOUR turn. Get out there and do it. Stop whining!"  I seem to have less patience with her and her partner than I have had these years, perhaps because I have had a taste of the "real" life I craved all these years. Being normal, even with my own daughter, I feel I paid m dues, now she has too - or don't bother me with begging and whining.

I do want to mention, have taken the synthroid at about 4a.m. each night for four nights now. Since I wake up then anyhow, figure take it then and there goes the hour of waiting while I am sleeping! I figured that changing from about 6a.m. to this 4 a.m. would not matter so much and I appear to be correct. I notice no difference other than I do not have to wait that hour before tea or coffee! Just need to make sure I continue to do the ten minutes of chanting however. That is the most important new habit of life I have to continue. As I am getting older, it is time to re-address this in my life. My promise, my duty, to my Spiritual Master....

The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same

Been thinking about this a lot this week. Watching the John Adams series from HBO. This was thought in regard to watching blowhard men debating how best to "serve" us the same in birth of America as now. Somewhat disheartening. 

They should present American History in the way this series is done. Of course can not so lavishly for all events, but the stories of the men and women involved as people and their own wishes/dreams/picadillos illustrating how it set policies and started events. Like seeing them as people with faults and reasons why they acted like they did. Adams angry when the painter depicted the signing of the Declaration of Independence because it, as a painting, is a totally made up scene. And it did turn out to be the way we think of the occasion as happening! the truth is actually more exciting and inspiring.

The feeling of staying the same even as one changes is carrying over into aspects of  the  life I am in control of. Makes for a good title if nothing else. Last night I woke three times with the hot flashes again. Have had a few here and there already but not so timed perfect as these. Not as severe and could go back to sleep, hooray hooray, but there they were. Removing the gland did not make the menopausal effects go away totally. Or the meds have not quite kicked in all the way either. Still much better overall and the full moon is here, so, go figure.

oops - forgot to chant my one round first this morning. oops got to go do that.... that has been one of the nicest practices I picked up again while home on this disability. Spend 15 minutes doing my meditation chanting each morning. Want to do for 30 days and see if it becomes a real habit/practice again.

Making Yogurt Again

Today I made yogurt again and may never do it again. I remember it being so easy and natural as I have spoken of previously here. No more!

This time it took more than an hour to prepare the milk and culture - heating it up and then cooling to very specific temperatures. Then, waiting while it was 10 hours in the cooker -

only to open and find liquid milk with no coagulation.  The leftover milk mix I had put in an old peanut butter jar and wrapped in towels and sit on top of machine had more culture then the one I used up 10 hrs of electricity over! hahahaha... think it is not worth it to make at home. I was pissed and threw all milk away knowing there was probably "something" I could do to still use it but just wanted it gone.

Perhaps I will try one more time this summer using good commercial yogurt like I used to. It may be the dried starter I bought.Or the machine temperature regulator is broken. Going off to the store to buy some good organic yogurt...

Adjusting to Permanent Meds

I thought by now I would be adjusting better to taking the daily medications better than I am. Not the side effects or actual medicines themselves, but the routine - seem to be actually getting worse!

The Levothyroxine is ok. Having to take it upon waking, then wait an hour before my coffee, and two hours before taking any dairy is ok. Just ok... don't like it, but am able to go along with it. The most difficult one is taking the darn Tums FOUR times a day! I think, the last three days, I have only taken it three times a day. Well one, when I was up in middle of night I took a dose, so that would be four in twenty four hours.

Normally, by later afternoon I am just forgetting "medicine" in general. Am hoping within a few days, the Drs. will see my calcium is ok and I can just take a regular amount two or three times a day, like with each meal. And, I hate chewing the Tums. Just give me a pill and let me take it! So, will check with that as an alternative. I know, I know... most people chew Tums or other anti-acid pills all the time, so "no biggie", but it is against my normal routine and practice. I do not need them for stomach. Nor, do I feel I want the other crap in them going four times a day into my body! Luckily, so far, I have not had any of those tingling ears, toes, fingers or lips side effects of lack of calcium.

Last night, upon waking for my normal "have no idea why I am waking" break at 4a.m., thought to take the Levothyroxine then and not have to wait for taking my coffee/breakfast when actually getting up. I did not do that last night, but thinking more on it, why not? They say you need to have a regular time, every 24 hours, and taken in morning so absorbing into system during day. Therefore, most take it when getting up. However, I wake every night two or three times and if pill was there, could do it at the last waking. Will only be changing my routine by a couple hours and if, for some wonderful reason, I do sleep through that last normal waking period, still can take at 6am.... yes, that would make one part of this eternal med dependence nicer!

I just can not imagine what the "getting ready for work in the morning routine" will be with this two hour waiting period to manage next week.  And, not having cereal in morning is going to be hateful. Guess it is a cereal for dinner life now ;-)

Pathology Heaven

In general it was a more energetic day than the last one. I even got that paper work done I had been complaining and avoiding all week, setup a second short term disability for the next week and proved insurance does owe me $15. I decided to take another week off for healing and getting used to my new life. The pathology report came from my surgeon. A good one!

He removed the whole thyroid and one parathyroid nodule (by mistake!). There are four nodes which sit right on the back of the thyroid itself called the parathyroid. Surgeons try to leave them when removing the thyroid itself as they enable calcium absorption into body. However, in looking at the diagrams I wonder how a surgeon could actually separate the two. They are sitting right on the main thyroid gland. He said he tries but sometimes he just can not get all of the large gland and leave the other in.

In my case, he said he removed one as it was swollen/infected and he thought it was another lesion on the thyroid  itself. It was gone before he realized what it was. Anyhow, I am fine with three only. That is partly why am taking the large amount of calcium as a supplement right now. He was glad he took it out as there were a couple cells in there with the Papillary cancer and now we've learned more, it may be what was setting up the symptoms rather than the node we thought was.

Did you know that you can live a whole full life with certain kinds of cancer cells in places and they never give any problem? I never did.... They say they have found mummies with cancer cells in them of people who lived a long time and before we had all these various treatments or ways to see inside our bodies.

He was also glad he decided to remove the lymph nodes located near thyroid at same time because when dissected, they also had a some tiny papillary cells in them. So now, all is gone...gone...gone! According to my study this is generally the end of thyroid cancer. As long as not moved to lungs or heart already - mine has not.

He and the endocrinologist are now my "best friends for life" - them and my bottle of Levothyroxine. The jury is out as to whether I will get the full body scan to see what other cells may be doing, but all in all, things turned out the way I wanted - no radiation treatment as yet.

He told me to go out, live a full long life... yes, sir! However, I would add the word "creative" also. So, the next week will be restarting that!

Success Realized

Was watching TV last night when I happened to put my hand/fingers up to my throat right under the chin. Lymph nodes are there and gently stroked/felt them out of distraction. Suddenly realized they were hardly noticeable! They have been largely swollen for ages and they were not. Just little peas sitting where they do.

Wow, I thought, they have not been this small in ages. OH! It must mean they are healing after taking the thyroid out! OMG! It WORKED! Taking the thyroid out worked. And then went on to realize, yes, and now that the surgery area is healing and not sore as much, I see the throat symptoms had before are also gone! My voice is not scratchy inside, throat does not feel like it is closing and swallowing is smooth! Had not really realized it until five days after surgery.

So, shall I write my GP Dr. a note to tell her how there WAS something there and see? I am already this much better since pushing this body investigation with her? Success already and not even far into recovery....

Day Two

What to call a blog is one of my difficult decisions. So many I have just made one quickly with thought of making up a better one later. Then never do... have goal this week of going back into this account, add writings not posted, correcting, and editing, maybe finding a picture or two - not happening yet.

Taking the synthroid yesterday was ok. I actually think I felt better in just one day. Could be just getting over the anestetic from surgery or just another day of healing, but I do like thinking it is the hormones going into body again. AFter talking to several people taking this med, they tell me they have no rules and regulations for taking it. Therefore am hoping this is, perhaps, just a temporary thing although Mom has had to follow the 1 hour rule before breakfast for 20 years. Go figure. Sometimes the worse thing about being sick or having health problems is that different doctors do different things.

I noted that the muscle aches, a lot of the anxiety and depression mellowed out. Have managed to fit in the calcium via the 8 Tums a day I have to take well, although the day got away from me and I ended up taking the last dose of Tums at 1 in the morning when awoken from sleep and remembering. whew...

Problem today, well since surgery, to be honest is constipation. ARGH! one can not talk about that here!!! hahaha, I can and am, some. Trying to be sensitive but if you do not like such talk, bye for now... Seems if I take much more laxative products I should end up with diarreaha. Not yet. Actually, four days later have only passed stool a little bit and am rather worried. The Senna worked so well last surgery, I figured this would be good for this one. Perhaps taking Hydrocondone rather than Vicodan makes one dryer, or just taking out thyroid does this more, but at this point, the worse thing in this healing is not going to bathroom consistently. Added Miralax the last two nights also and can feel "things" moving around inside but still need that full emptying.

Went shopping with P for only an hour yesterday so got some good food here. That was nice but surprising how tired I did get out and about. No one looked at me like I was Frankenstein thank goodness, but like P said, "If they look at you and get freaked out, they need to just look away."  Yep. Then my other P friend came over in afternoon to visit. Wonderful! Love creative friends coming around and showing me what they have been doing. Nice Photoshop collages she does with old copyright free images and her own. She also brought carrot soup she made! That was the best and I have more with brown rice for this afternoon's lunch.

OK, need to do some other things for now...

First Day of the Rest of my Life

Took first synthroid pill this morning. Just now. Wait an hour before can eat anything - two hours before can take any dairy or calcium. For heaven's sake! How do I drink my coffee then? When I go to work again, I have to set aside TWO hours in the morning before I can eat or drink breakfast or anything? Whaaaaa????

This will take some arrangement.

Had enough with the fact the hospital or Drs. forgot to give me the script for the synthroid Saturday when I was discharged. So, had three days before even started the script. Wondered why was more down and dizzy and generally out of it yesterday. Surgical knee was even bothering me. Seems like it has gone backwards already from not using so much. Was tingling and then numb some around knee itself. Felt weak. Need to get back on bike even if just for a little. Keep the knee working. Do NOT want to loose what I gained so far! Then, to find that I WAS to take the meds all along. Well, they say it is ok. My jaw has been clenched too much lately - just waiting to see what body will do next.

Read in my book about this medication will take every day the rest of my life. Man, reading it, this time, made me more paranoid and worried than the whole last month that started this! The whole journey, mostly women, have made in getting their hormone levels adjusted sounded terrible. And the idea of jumpstarting my hormones immediately to the max amount sounds, scary at best.

But then talked to a friend who has been on this stuff for years and it does not seem so bad. I hope and intend it to work fine. Figure with NO thyroid pushing any hormone into system at all, then taking the max is the normal, basically. As long as my system can take the sudden change.

Today will go to grocery store with P and then the other P will come over at dinner to give me carrot soup! Yum. The thought of two social interactions in one day is rather daunting right now, but I can handle it! It was difficult to call H to get a ride to drugstore to get the meds today. Do not even want to go out of door or talk on phone let alone go out into that world of buying and selling out there!

Home again, and again...

Today waking was nice. Actually got some real sleep even though sitting up, more or less, rather than lying down. Nice meaning did not have to think about going to surgery or what can happen... already did that!

Had a slight pain in chest during night, a tightness, and now that am up and moving think it is just the gas moving around inside. The pain drugs really plug one up and the laxatives are only just starting. Whew, next two days will be SO body conscious. that gets tiring itself....

It is a real spring morning here, rain coming down and rather chilly. This is the April weather the northeast USA sings about, makes the flowers and all the green green green later on in year. I do love seeing it yet glad I can be inside looking out. hmmm, was a year ago, I took the picture of the bottles in the window in rain, wow, another year.

Watched the movie UP last night with my friend who brought me dahl and rice for dinner. Great thought and good food but it was a bit too spicy for my system right now I found. I am so bland and plain in most of my food tastes, plus having to chew on seeds and pieces of little herb sticks just turns me off. I do like powdered herbs and spices better! They even left the bay leaf in the dahl. ugh... anyhow took all sticks and stones out of soup, added the nice basmati rice and had a feast.

The movie was, maybe not fun, as one would think an animated movie for children would be, but it IS a disney movie, so go figure. Bambi's mother always has to die... However, once we got over the emotional crisis of death in family and possibile failure of some dreams, I did enjoy the movie a lot. The adventure of following the dream no matter what... Actually, since my friend left it here, perhaps I will watch again today even. Normally do not watch movies more than once, but since am stuck inside and can't mail back for a day, the artwork is just wonderful in this movie. I do love the way disney artists enlarge or shorten and change characteristics in their animated actors - colors were mellow in this one. liked the hues better than most their movies. HATE that they made it so one can not go to specific scenes but has to scroll through if movie gets stuck or you want to find something in particular. HATE that you could not fast forward through other movie clips. THEY are getting too much control over the actual watching a movie again ;-)

Today will be the first real restful day I expect. Not going anywhere. Can sleep, eat or sit as much as I want! Talking on phone and playing in Farmville, perhaps playing at a little arts and craft. Not sure about that one yet. I mean I do feel good physically really, compared to what I could, but am tired. Hard to keep the mind from feeling guilty on not doing anything when home and healing, yet hard to concentrate on anything. This one is a tad harder as not feeling physically in pain or bad as much as knee replacement was three months ago. Mind keeps telling me I "should" do this or that - as usual.

Forget that I am on drugs too. This is hydrocodone. Have not looked it up as yet but know it is some kind of strong one - heroin or morphine type based. is causing some little itching and seeing of little bits of things here and there that are not there! Funny how these type of drugs do not make me feel like I am DRUGGED but then little things that happen, see, or feel make me realize, wow, am stoned more than I know! good they don't let me drive....

Beginning again

Am very self conscious about suddenly writing here again... not necessarily doing any art other than having gone back to my commercial job again. that takes all the energy right out of me even though not too busy when I got there. just being there seeing half a floor dark due to layoffs and no one working those cubes...

mostly, been thinking about the stuff they do not tell you about when you agree to do voluntary major surgery. replace the bad old knee with a brand new knee and three months later one cell in the middle of the scar, that has been doing well and quiet suddenly wakes up and for hours I get these sharp, stabbing painful jabs. you jump and start and hen finally massage enough it settles down. what? no one tells you about some things like this with surgery... oh yeah, get rid of the pain, the main pain, no, i am not complaining, I can walk better and it is great, but geez, throbs and these nerves that shoot off at times! so weird....

then there is the new diagnosis... thyroid nodule have had for a few years decides now to take off and in a week will get it taken out. whew, morning pages are not working for me right now, thinking of showing up at this electronic page instead of for awhile. may not be exact talk on art pieces AI am doing but still creating the art of my life...

I Like Being Older

Recovery has gotten to a point where coming back to regular creative practices. This blog was one and for awhile I thought writing about my surgery recovery did not fit with an "artDreams" theme. However, realized everything in my life is meant to be lived creative and this is MY writing spot so can do what I want. I forget that frequently but this morning I saw this in my local Pennysaver. Thought it was apropos for me and my feelings today.

"I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

"As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

"So, to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying what will be. And, I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it)." -unknown

Going Into Surgery

Well, I am ready. Tomorrow is the big day! It seems I have waited so long for this and now it is here, it is rather a let down and now, of all times, the worries set in. The "what ifs?" are attacking. What if a nerve is not reattached right? What if my body rejects the metal of the knee? What if What if What if....

Somebody give me drugs and knock me out!

My plan with the blog has changed the last week. I was going to just skip the surgery fact and keep trying to come up with "creative subjects" here like I envision this thing to be. However, as we all know, I am not too successful so far in finding and writing those creative subjects regularly! It has gotten so that the last couple weeks I thought maybe I should shut this blog down. Then realized since very few people even know about it, I can keep and just play and see what happens.

Cookbook Finished

I finished the cook book yesterday and gave it to my son. He did appreciate it enough to satisfy me it was a good present. I have kept it for now as still need to varnish it for protection. Getting the proper varnish while housebound may be a trick!

Here is a link to a picture of the whole book finished. Past blog entries have more on what or how I did this little book. The blog for the month of December and January has actually been updated backwards. I have been keeping some writings on my progress but found I could not really write the last few weeks since surgery. Cutting paper, gluing, writing little sentences was ok, but not really writing something such as this was not possible.


I noticed the "finishing let down" from this project just as much as any commissioned one gives me. That feeling like, "Now what? What do I do to occupy this amount of time I have been obsessed with this project?" Not that I don't have a list of things I want to do, it is just focusing on which one and letting go of the last one which is hard.

I think this week's project will be getting this blog up to date. I am seeing enough healing in my knee and my ability to focus or DO something regardless of the drugs, getting noticeably better now.